I’ve been doing a shit load of reading concerning antidepressants and their effect on certain things and I have decided that I want to get off of them. Maybe not right now, but I don’t want to be on them forever. I would like to see myself get off of them by the middle of next year.
I feel as though certain things in my life have improved since I started taking them. But they also have not helped to change certain habits that make my life less than enjoyable sometimes. No pill can fix those things. And being dependant on a medication can’t be a good thing. Sure the pills helped me to an extent, but I don’t think they fixed the root of my problems with depression. Fixing that is going to take more effort than popping some pills every morning.
I have been a bit troubled by the recent increase in dosage. And one of her recent comments about how she doesn’t want to see me get so depressed that she’d have to commit me to a hospital really makes me feel like my arm is being twisted. Even tho she may not have meant it that way, I still felt my freedom slip a bit. The only time I was really THAT bad, was when I first got started on anti-d’s that didn’t agree with me in the first place.
Now I KNOW that my head doctor isn’t going to agree with me. She would not be happy if I just up and quit the meds on my own either. But if she won’t agree to help me get off them, then I might just have to get off them myself, my own way.
I just spent $538 on wall art for the living room and bathroom and $174 at Build-a-Bear for the kids.
Did everyone know that Build-a-Bear sells panties and briefs for their bears!? That is both cute and eye-rolling, but I just had to pick up a couple for the bears I got the kids.
For Jada
For Maya
I’ve heard of people who have had babies for others and have always been intrigued by it. But then I think about adoption. Putting your own flesh and blood up for adoption. Over the years I have read blogs, forums, life stories, etc, etc… just to try to understand because it really disturbs me. But somehow being a surrogate never seemed as disturbing. I feel like I might be able to do that for someone one day.
If I thought my body could handle it, and I found myself in a situation where someone couldn’t have a baby of their own like maybe my sister or a close friend, I might do it. I don’t know what it is. I’m not a religious person, so I don’t like using words like “blessing” or “gift” but that’s really what it would be. The ultimate gift and I would feel like I had made a difference on earth.
I don’t know why I’m thinking about this stuff now. Probably because I’ve been dealing with thoughts of having another kid. The situation is iffy at best and it may never happen for me. If I couldn’t have another of my own, maybe I could have someone else’s, minus the cost of raising it.. That’s always a plus. LOL!
Last week, my head doctor asked me if I was having trouble focusing. I said no. I should have said yes. In fact, I had trouble focusing on her question.
I have had to write a list to remind myself what I should do next at work. Because sitting there staring at outlook for a full minute wondering what I should be doing is not exactly efficient use of my time.
So my todo list goes something like:
- Email first
- IDS second
- Tasks third
Rules
- do one thing at a time.
- if a thought pops up, note it for later, then go back to what you were doing.
I can (have the potential to) multitask as well as the next person but I can’t seem to retain a mental go-back-to list of stuff to do. So when I finish doing whatever, my mind presents me with just too many todo’s to choose from. All of them with the exact same priority of “Super Mega High, Do it now or you die”. That just freezes me in my tracks. Thus the blank stare into outlook wondering what I should be doing next.
Oh, I also seem to forget to pay my domain registrations. My VPS account got suspended for non-payment yesterday. So I’m writing this in an outlook note until I can paste it in my blog. Sigh… Blogging keeps me grounded. Sortof.
So I found a cleaning person today. She doesn’t work for a company. Well, she’s a company of one and she has a pretty card with a misspelled word on it. I doubt “sistems” is supposed to be hip. But she seems nice enough. She’s also Brazillian so I won’t feel like I have to make spanish talk with her. :) I won’t refer her to anyone until I at least have a chance to see how she works. But $75/bi-weekly is pretty F’ing good price.
It’s only been one week since that 4 hour cleaning marathon and the place is already getting dirty showing it. She looked around the house and said she couldn’t come this Monday but was afraid waiting until the next Monday would be too long (because of the dirt). I’m convinced if she had seen this place before the 4-hour marathon, she probably would have turned the job down or charged us way more!
