I’m not sure why I’m writing this.. It’s been a while since I made any blog post. I think FB fills my need for most moments when I need to express what’s on my mind. But anyway….
I usually feel like an addict probably does. I don’t know for sure because I’ve never had a substance abuse problem. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, etc, etc… But I do have a one track mind with pretty much everything and “balance” isn’t usually part of my normal code of living. I think I would be a happier, more fulfilled person if I were able to find BALANCE in my freakin life. For instance, focus on work 100%, go home and focus on doing something fun for dinner with the kids and having them help in the kitchen, then focus on homework, maybe a trip to the park. Then go into my bedroom and take a shower while making a pile to throw in the wash. You know, those “normal” everyday things people have to do every day. But I can’t seem to cease my focus lasers from one thing and set them onto something else. If I do, it’s usually because the “something else” has become the next fixation.
Hubby is horribly aware of what I’m talking about. It’s blindingly obvious when it comes to whatever hobby-of-the-month I become interested in. But what he doesnt’ know is exactly how engrossed I become that I can’t THINK of anything else.
Say my fixation-of-the-month is color coding bank statements. Then I want to color code the statement folders, then color code the drawers for those folder, and I color code to the point when I’m making myself dizzy with it. I close my eyes and that’s all I see, I wake up and it’s the first thought on my mind… so on and so forth. If laundry needs to be done, then I can’t do it because it is just too hard to drop the color coding and refocus on laundry. UNLESS I want to color code the clothes somehow. I’ve had to do that type of thing (transfering of fixations) to be able to refocus on things before…. it’s just sick. In this example, the laundry would go neglected to the point I’m digging in the hamper clothes to wear to work, or more embarrassingly, for clothes to dress my kid for school.
What I keep searching for is the common theme to everything in life that I can turn into a fixation that I can then apply to everything in my life. The one fixation that doesn’t get old, that I can apply to all apsects of my life. But it’s oh so elusive.. like the search for the fountain of youth. I don’t know if such a thing exists. Is this a type of OCD maybe? I keep joking that I have something like that but have never been formally diagnosed. I was/am going to a therapist but he has never mentioned it. I Think he’s not a fan of labels anyway so he will never say it. But I’m pretty sure it’s got to be something like that.
It’s so fucking hard to just tell my brain “brain, we have to drop this subject now because it’s time to get X completed by deadline Z. So here we go…” Nope, not gonna happen without a fight. When I do try it, my mind turns to mush and doesn’t know what to do next. It’s like I need a play book for every task in my life, including a play book for creating a playbook for every task in my life. Because focusing on making the playbook, would require I drop the fixation of the month long enough to do it. And it’s just too hard for me.
I keep trying to have things set up so that I just have to look at a list and see what’s next. “Oh, I have to email John Smith? OK..” and bam, I email John Smith. Then I go back to see what’s next, do it, and so forth. But I can’t focus on anything enough to make a quick mental list of what needs to happen next. But when it comes to the fixation of the month, it’s easy.. because that’s what my mind has been working in overdrive on in the background all along.
Somebody shoot me…
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