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i’m just full of stuff to talk about today…

Tela, what are we going to do with her? We’ve had her for a whole year now, Dennis says he’s attached and doesn’t want to see her go but still constantly talks about finding a new home for her, I feel bad for her cuz she needs a home where she won’t be passed on again. I’m sure it’s stressful for her to lose everything she knows yet again, her buddy bullet, her big yard, us… but I know we have to find a new home for her soon.

When we took her in we didn’t know how much more work it would be, and we didn’t expect to feel over dogged either. Dennis and I love dogs but we haven’t been able to get used to having this many pounds of dog. 3 indoor dogs is just too much.

I would have liked for jen to take her back sometime but it’s not looking like that is happening anytime soon… not in 2004 anyways and without the need for a bigger house it will probably not happen at all.. so, I’ve been looking around at lab rescues, and asking them how they decide who to place their dogs with.. I want to be sure she gets a good home but I don’t have the resouces for doing it. the lab rescues at least have experience and they screen potential adopters the way I couldn’t. Nothing definite yet, no surrender documents signed yet, just inquiries. I found one place, that will let us keep her until they find a home, this way she won’t have to spend any time caged up. No decisions have been made yet, but soon we will take a definitive step in that direction.

bills bills and more bills… Dennis and I are officially on a 3 month spending freeze. Nothing can be purchased unless it’s food, toilet paper or some other absolute necessity. … I was thinking about using newspaper to wipe our asses but i think the ink and roughness wouldn’t be very comfy. =)

I was paying more credit card bills yesterday and went over it with Dennis for a bit. We have no freakin idea where the FUCK all the money is going. I’ve been extremely aggressive with out CC bills now. The goal is to pay everything off in 2/3 months, and then just save save save after that but something is going wrong somewhere.. In november I paid 5k in credit card bills and had approx. 5k more left to go. this month i pay off 4k more, and STILL have 5k more to go. where the fuck is it going?!! we asked eachother and we really don’t have a fucking clue. we sure as hell didn’t spend 5k on gifts!.. it was 300 tops.

Hopefully the freeze and updating quicken with each statement breakdown, keeping all reciepts will help clear things up or at the least slow things down long enough to get our debt down to zero…

oik, I never talk about somebody as if they’re not there when they’re actually standing right next to you, know what i mean? But in LJ, when the person you’re talking about is in your friend’s list, what can you do? I know i can make a new list or something….. but i’m too lazy besides she needs to hear it.

I don’t get my sister.. she’s smart, beautiful, fun girl to be around, spontaneous too… great body… those who don’t know her, I’ll have to post a pic. I don’t think I have any in my gallery.. DAMN, that’s just wrong! I wish i had more time around her and I wish I knew her at a deeper level than i do… then maybe I could understand why she always needs to have some guy in her life. some love interest… For as long as I can remember, maybe as far back as when she was 12, I’ve never known her to be without a boyfriend, fuck buddy, special “friend”, chasing after someone, or someone chasing after her. She always has someone lined up. Many times she won’t dump one boyfriend unless she’s got someone else waiting. Maybe it’s just what drives her in life, her fuel if you will, maybe it’s because of the thrill of a new relationship, or an unhealthy need for constant companionship. I dunno.. but all i do know is I just don’t understand it. I’ve accepted it, and I’m used to it, but I just don’t understand it. She says now after dumping her latest love interest that she wants time alone. heck, it’s one of the reasons she gave for dumping the guy in the first place. When did I have this conversation with her? was it two days ago now? …and what does she go do? she places a personal add on match.com, wants to pay the fee just so she can talk to this one guy, emails an old male friend 4 times even tho he hasn’t replied the first time, second time, third time… how pathetic does that look? (ONCE, XENIA, YOU DO IT ONCE!!), she schedules a date with her mother’s travel agent dude who she already said once before she didn’t like that way AT ALL and “felt weird when he get her yellow roses”.. who knows what else she’ll end up doing. She wants to have time alone to find herself? to get over Gian? she breaks up with lee to accomplish that and what does she do?

I JUST don’t get it, sister of mine, I just don’t get it.

It’s sad, I wish I could give her the gift of self. being comfortable with herself. The ability of being alone without feelings of lonliness. I’m so comfortable without anyone else it’s the reason i never properly developed social skills.. More times than not i’m more comfortable alone then in the presence of anyone. If i could give her some of that, we’d both be more balanced..

Well .. I’m back at work today after my usual 2 day weekend and I’m trying to see if i can get motiviated to do some WORK. Only problem now is that my mind is consumed since sometime during my sleep this morning with thoughts of my cousin and his lost baby with leo (short for leonarda) The baby’s name would have been Jessica Sara Tamayo. I’ve been trying to imagine how the news was broken to them, how she might have refused to believe it and how she must have reacted when the news finally sunk in… I keep thinking about how my aunt and uncle must have reacted to it and each other of my cousin’s brothers… I just keep playing every possible detail out in my mind.. There were so many hopes packed into that woman’s belly.. Everyone was just so exited about the new baby. Leo is in her late 30′s and never thought she would ever have any kids before this pregnancy. She’d say how when her baby was born she was going to carry her all the time and take her everywhere she went.

I can’t help wonder what this will do to my cousin. He has never been my favorite cousin. After all he molested me when i was 8 and he was 5 years older.. And I realized after seeing him again now after all these years, that i still resented him for it. Now i realize he was just a kid himself but still, I was beginning to dislike him all over again … no real reason for it aside from the experiences of an 8 year old. But I tried to work thru it, and christmas eve had helped it a lot. I could tell the way he held jada that night that he’d be a really good dad. Jada had just been born when he and Leo had moved down from new york. He had started a new hardwood floors business and despite not finding a lot of jobs he was so happy with life. He was just recently released after serving a 10 year prison sentence and missing out on most of his daughter’s childhood. (she was 6 when he went in) and he had been doing very well starting life over this time with such enthusiasm and hopes for the future. Ever time I go down he’d go on and on about his advertising the business. With all new things going on, he couldn’t have been happier. He had so much enthusiasm about his work, his life, everything.

I don’t understand it. How could it have happened. I think this whole things bothers me so deeply because it confirms that my worst fears could and will happen. Just when everything is fine, when you least expect anything this bad is in the horizon for you, in your happiest moment…. it just happens. I find myself checking on Jada while she’s sleeping over and over. I got up at 5:30 because scully was making strange noises, it was too dark in our room and things just didn’t seem right. First thing i did was check on Jada…. for the fourth time last night.

I had been thinking a lot about death and life insurance and setting up a will in the week before this tragedy happened.. all in preparation to secure jada’s future in case something were to happen to both me and dennis. Losing Jada has always been a big fear looming over my head but I think that’s only normal mother paranoia. But now it’s gone to a new level.

Yesterday, after doing some chores, I packed jada in her car seat and was ready to go out to the supermarket with her.. I was at the front door, about to open it to go out but something just didn’t feel right about it. something was off. So I turned around and didn’t go. Maybe something was really going to happen if i had left the house at that momoent. Maybe it was just my paranoia again. ….and I can be very paranoid given the right circumstances… like now..

If I lost Jada, I’d want to sell the house, get divorced, rent a shack and crawl under a rock somewhere to die. What would this blow do to him now? They might try again for another baby.. but who would want to go thru all of it again?

I dunno, I just can’t stop replaying the how’s, what if’s, and why’s in my head. writing it all out has helped. thanks all you LJ “listeners”.. But I doubt any amount of writing or talking will help make any sense of it.

.. you just wish you could turn back time and do something to change it.

My cousin’s girlfriend lost thier baby today. They all live in the same house as my grandmother and aunt so I got to see them every time i went down to miami. I watched her belly grow, watched their excitment, watched them watch jada in awe like i watched other babies in awe when i was pregnant in wonderment and not believing that I was about to have “one of those” too.

She was due in 4 days. If only… If only .. i’m sure they’re asking themselves that same question.. If only she had gone to the hospital sooner. If only she had decided to have a csection and get the baby out a little early like the doc said she had the option to.

I talked to my cousin earlier tonight and he could barely talk.. he was just so devastated… I didn’t know what to say.

I can’t stop looking at jada and just being glad that she’s here with us and wonder what i would do if something bad were to happen to her. Babies shouldn’t be allowed to die.

I should know better next time then to plan for and expect to have a great christmas. I got very excited because it was Jada’s first Christmas.. I was very much in a festive mood this year more so than I’ve been in the last 3+ years but my family hasn’t celebrated christmas with much gusto in a long time.. was dumb of me to expect anything different this time around… There was a big ass party a week before christmas but christmas itself… ugh..

Nobody got any gifts for anybody. Aside from the gifts i brought for my parents, gmother, and a couple other people, there was zero giftgiving. I was the only one. Nobody got anything for Jada either, and that really disappointed me. The party at my aunt’s was kindof a flop. there was barely anybody there, there was some more jerry drama (my brother) that I would have rather been without. My very drunk uncle tried to convince me that I needed to try to advise my brother that night. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY OR DO WITH HIM?? HE’S A FULL GROWN MAN ALREADY! OLDER THAN ME!!! i humored him just to shut him the fuck up and said yes, i’ll do it. More unwanted baby advice and an argument with my grandmother that ended in my father saying not to bother arguing with her because she will never change so i just vented on him instead. My drunk as a skunk uncle gets in his van and takes off. nobody knows where the fuck he went and then everyone was in bed by 11. I slept in my grandmother’s room which I wish could be a pleasant thing if it weren’t for her barking instructions at me every time jada cried. I didn’t give out my gifts till the next morning, at which time I could tell my father felt bad about not having gotten anything for my daughter. He looked pretty bumbed out as I drove off, I was bummed out over it still… and then I came home at 10ish the next morning in a less than cheerful mood but looking forward to spending the morning with dennis and openning gifts, exept he decides to be dick and yells at me because I let the fucking dog out after he had already escaped that morning. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE FUCKING DOG ESCAPED IF DENNIS DIDN’T TELL ME!! WHY NOT JUST PATCH THE FUCKING HOLE HE GOT OUT THRU!!! there were tons of gifts under our tree but we were in no mood to open any of it, so he watched tv and i did the dishes instead. I felt like shit, felt bad that christmas had been ruined for Jada… even tho i know she doesn’t have a clue. After washing all of dennis’ dirty dishes, and getting more pissed off because he could have done them the night before… but didn’t.. again… I took off to the bedrooms to wallow in my self pitty for a while.

eventually we did open the presents and jada got a shit load of presents from dennis and me , and a couple people at work too. dennis and i got some cool stuff for eachother, and after that we went to his aunts where things were a bit more cheerful but it’s different with them.. they’re not my real family so it will never be the same with them. A fantastic day with them would never undo the shittiness of the previous night. I think next year we’ll be planning on xmas out of town or we’ll put on our own shindig.