Well .. I’m back at work today after my usual 2 day weekend and I’m trying to see if i can get motiviated to do some WORK. Only problem now is that my mind is consumed since sometime during my sleep this morning with thoughts of my cousin and his lost baby with leo (short for leonarda) The baby’s name would have been Jessica Sara Tamayo. I’ve been trying to imagine how the news was broken to them, how she might have refused to believe it and how she must have reacted when the news finally sunk in… I keep thinking about how my aunt and uncle must have reacted to it and each other of my cousin’s brothers… I just keep playing every possible detail out in my mind.. There were so many hopes packed into that woman’s belly.. Everyone was just so exited about the new baby. Leo is in her late 30’s and never thought she would ever have any kids before this pregnancy. She’d say how when her baby was born she was going to carry her all the time and take her everywhere she went.
I can’t help wonder what this will do to my cousin. He has never been my favorite cousin. After all he molested me when i was 8 and he was 5 years older.. And I realized after seeing him again now after all these years, that i still resented him for it. Now i realize he was just a kid himself but still, I was beginning to dislike him all over again … no real reason for it aside from the experiences of an 8 year old. But I tried to work thru it, and christmas eve had helped it a lot. I could tell the way he held jada that night that he’d be a really good dad. Jada had just been born when he and Leo had moved down from new york. He had started a new hardwood floors business and despite not finding a lot of jobs he was so happy with life. He was just recently released after serving a 10 year prison sentence and missing out on most of his daughter’s childhood. (she was 6 when he went in) and he had been doing very well starting life over this time with such enthusiasm and hopes for the future. Ever time I go down he’d go on and on about his advertising the business. With all new things going on, he couldn’t have been happier. He had so much enthusiasm about his work, his life, everything.
I don’t understand it. How could it have happened. I think this whole things bothers me so deeply because it confirms that my worst fears could and will happen. Just when everything is fine, when you least expect anything this bad is in the horizon for you, in your happiest moment…. it just happens. I find myself checking on Jada while she’s sleeping over and over. I got up at 5:30 because scully was making strange noises, it was too dark in our room and things just didn’t seem right. First thing i did was check on Jada…. for the fourth time last night.
I had been thinking a lot about death and life insurance and setting up a will in the week before this tragedy happened.. all in preparation to secure jada’s future in case something were to happen to both me and dennis. Losing Jada has always been a big fear looming over my head but I think that’s only normal mother paranoia. But now it’s gone to a new level.
Yesterday, after doing some chores, I packed jada in her car seat and was ready to go out to the supermarket with her.. I was at the front door, about to open it to go out but something just didn’t feel right about it. something was off. So I turned around and didn’t go. Maybe something was really going to happen if i had left the house at that momoent. Maybe it was just my paranoia again. ….and I can be very paranoid given the right circumstances… like now..
If I lost Jada, I’d want to sell the house, get divorced, rent a shack and crawl under a rock somewhere to die. What would this blow do to him now? They might try again for another baby.. but who would want to go thru all of it again?
I dunno, I just can’t stop replaying the how’s, what if’s, and why’s in my head. writing it all out has helped. thanks all you LJ “listeners”.. 
But I doubt any amount of writing or talking will help make any sense of it.
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