Digsite

aaaand. I had another odd dream last night.
This dream was weird as hell..

I’ve been cast in a new reality show similar to Big Brother or the Real World. We’ve all met eachother for the first time in a structure with many rooms. The exterior of it is all concrete and hard but has a soft beige color. There are a lot of right angles and sharp corners to the structure which was 2 floors high and wide and deep.

The structure is big and sturdy but it’s in the middle of nowhere, in the wilderness and the first challenge of the reality show is going to be to rough it in the outdoors.

We are all gathered around a very long table for a feast and for getting to know everyone. There is tons of food on it and it’s all very formal The table is a dark shiny wood but it’s on a pavement that is more outdoors than in. It’s nightime and very dark beyond the house. There is a man siting 2 seats down from me and our eyes meet. It’s an immediate feeling of attraction and it runs deep for both of us. He moves to the seat next to me and ee talk. We get to know eachother and we know that we are in love now. If I thought I loved him, he loved me even more.

I can’t remember with great detail but even though we are on the first night of the show we live a long while getting to know eachother but still not able to REALLY be together alone. There is no privacy because there are people and cameras everywhere. This man’s face is crystal clear and he looks similar to someone at work who i’ve seen walking around the hallways and chatted with couple times.. I think he’s in customer care or something .. but not quite the same.. just has an air of similarity and irl, i’m not attracted to this person at all, but there it is… I’m in love, deeply in love.. and this feeling is inescapable in the dream..

Sometime later I feel that I need to go pee and I’m trying to find a bathroom.. everywhere I look there is no good place, no working bathroom or no privacy to go. Now I’m in a part of the house that is waaay in the back of the structure and the walls and floors are concrete and unfinished.. no carpetting, no paint, just cold and rough. I’m still looking for a bathroom and every room i go into is empty and has no toilet. I go into one bedroom and it’s gabe’s daughter’s bedroom. the one next to that is gabe’s son’s bedroom. On the bed of his daughter’s bedroom is Monica and she was folding clothes or something. His daughter is playing somewhere in the room.. monica says “you’re looking for a bathroom? Gabe will show you where it is”..

so next thing i know gabe is walking with me along the outside walls of the structure.. on the left side, a few yards away from the dinner table and everyone else who’s having dinner. He’s trying to find a bathroom for me and i’m walking with him.. He can’t find shit. I have to go pee!! We arrive to an area outdoors just at the edge of wilderness and it’s lit by the lights coming from the house. I look at the ground and I see the dark soil and some vegitation growning there.. Beyond that point it is pure darkness and so we don’t go any further. I say to gabe “I can’t see a thing, how am i supposed to go to the bathroom?”
We start walking back towards the dinner table and the others I remember that i’m in love and i have to get back to that man that loves me back so soo much (sappy i know but it was a dream what can i say)

Gabe and I walk up some steps, all outdoors, and this is where that feeling hits me that i have to get back.. that i’m not doing something i should be doing.. I need to be back there or i’ll get into trouble.. i dunno .. it was foggy

and that’s where the dream ends. I think it was interrupted when dennis tried to be slip into bed unnoticed.. he was anything but quiet.
I tried my damnest to get back into it all dawn but he kept snoring or jumping around in his sleep or breathing really loud.

It was fruitless. but i realized the part about finding a bathroom was because I REALLY DID HAVE TO GO. lol.

Dreams like this one really disturb me more than my satanic nightmares (which i haven’t had one of those for a while now)…

Dennis and I are together, married, etc, and working in a department store someplace. I think it was burdines. We are employees there and work the same shift.

I have some sinking feeling that things are not right with him and he says to me.
“lets go out into the stairwell and talk”.

We go out there and it’s the same stairwell from my elementary school in new york (Our Lady of Sorrows). We’re in there and he says to me “I’m thinking of taking a different job in Sears.”

I’m shocked. I didn’t see this coming AT ALL and I say to him. “what? why?! what about this job… and what about me?!”

he says “I’m not sure about you anymore, i found a better job.”

Now I’m getting more upset..
ME: “you found a better job?? Have you found someone better than me?”
HIM: no answer
ME: “have you found someone better than me?”
HIM: ” i think so, yes.”

I can’t beleive my ears and i’m beginning to feel more and more depressed at this point and my eyes are watering up.. I decided to ask him a very direct question.

ME: “So. Are you saying that you are done with me?
HIM: “Yes, i’m done with you. ”

I take a step back and realize that this is it. This is the end .. but then for a second i deny what i’m hearing.. (.oO he doesn’t really mean it)

ME: “You are telling me that you are COMPLETELY done with me?”
HIM: “yes, i’m completely done with you”

.. as if that wasn’t clear enough…
ME: “So you don’t want me anymore? at all?”
HIM: “No, I don’t want you anymore. Not at all.”

well, right after this I am aware that it’s a dream but i’m still asleep. I decided then that once I woke up, I’d have to wake him up and ask him for real if he meant this..

After getting up this morning, I looked at him and decided… “nope, he wasn’t really in the dream so it would be silly to wake him up.” LOL, then i got ready for work and left.

But I’m still going to tell him about it and ask him if he’s really done with me when i get home!!! lol!!

i turned pro tree pruner yesterday and nearly took my eye out with a branch… eeeep! we uprooted the tangerine tree. all on our own. woohoo! 2 blisters later it’s fucking out and in the trash. It was diseased and in an awkward spot too close to another tree anyway. Jada’s doing better at night but her days are still a fucking pain in the arse. she just fusses and fusses and fusses. lordy lordy i can’t wait till she’s totally recovered.

HOW do people with twins do it?!?!?!???

well, my freaking plan to call my friends and fam more often is not working. I could not find my stupid cell phone that has all the numbers in. finally found it yesterday. (guess i don’t REALLY need a phone upgrade, eh? i barely use it) :/

what do I have updates on anymore other than yard work, my daughter and my boring life? exactly…. here’s more ot the same. lol.

Noel came over yesterday and we had denny’s take out. We would have gone to the restaurant but Jada has been sick since saturday and VERY fussy so we didn’t want to be “that couple” with the screaming kid, ya know? This is her first time being sick since she was born. pretty good, eh? and it’s just a head cold too but we’re going to the docs later to see what we can do to help her breathe easier. (cuz i have no freakin clue)

Noel watched her while denniis and i did more yard work and i made him tear up the last patch of weeds and grass with the action hoe while i did less grueling work… after 20 minutes or work he came over to me and said “baby, after doing this for 10 minutes now i REALLY appreciate what you’ve done out here.” LOL.. he was wiped out after only a few minutes of hoe-ing. AND I’VE BEEN DOING IT FOR 2+ HOURS EVERYDAY AFTER WORK FOR 2 WEEKS!! I’m glad he had a taste of how hard it’s been.

Well, the really really hard work is over. wooohooooo!!! It’s eazy peazy after this i think. I know i’ve said it before but i’m just SOO excited to have a nice looking yard.

And now for some sad news.. I’ve been a member of a couple forums with other women due about the same time i was when i was pregnant. and we still post crap about our kids and share stories, etc… well last week one of them lost her baby when a relative was giving him a bathe and stepped away to get a towel. He drowned and died. Until you have your own kids you don’t realize just how true it is when a parent says losing their child would be the hardest thing to deal with ever. It’s just a terrible thought.
The mother’s post
news article

man, I don’t have a lot of friends so it shouldn’t be so hard to keep touch, you’d think? well, I’ve thought of making weekly phone calls part of my outlook schedule. Now that’s funny but the more time passes the more it becomes a serious necessity. Same goes for family.

Is that sad or what.

aaaahhh… yiarrrdweerrk. I’ve realized today that cleaning up the yard is similar to packing for a move. the more you pull shit out, the more suprised you become at just how much more shit you have left to pull out! It’s neverending.

I’m feeling a lot better physically today so maybe I’ll start work on our taxes..

Man, I’m beat. The yard work continues to be neverending. I usually feel pretty darn good after finishing up my daily dose of yardwork but yesterday and today I have been just soo beat up and feeling physically exhausted. It’s getting to me. I think I will go to bed earlier than usual tonight.

Jada is continuing to grow and do new things. She’s been standing herself up in her crib and playpen for a while now. At first she had to learn not to let go and fall flat on her back, now she has started to try to let go and balance on her own… she’s a lot better at falling. She’s not quite ready for standing on her own but I suspect that she’ll be walking by her first birthday. She’s now exactly 8 months old. 4 months will pass before we know it.

ugh!! I’ve had this lingering headache since yesterday. this sux majorly. maybe i’ll call in sick or something and stay in bed late… i dunno. whenever i take a day off i end up working more than if i had just gone to work so what’s the point of that? aaaahhh…. time for some pills and a warm bed under the comforter.

g’night LJ.