digsite

sometimes I feel so hopeless, (but thankfully it isn’t an every day occurrence, or I would be dead) Ever feel like nobody understands you, especially not your SO? I felt very alone last night. Felt like I had nobody to share my hopes, dreams, goals in life. After going to bed I wondered if I would be feeling that way if I were better at making and keeping friends.. if i were more of a social butterfly, would I feel so alone? I think the answer is yes, I would.

I’m not missing PEOPLE, or people to bounce my thoughts off of or hang out with, etc. What I’m missing is someone who I share my priorities with or in other words who wants the same things I want. I want to fix up my house, I want to feel comfortable in my own house, in my own yard, I want to BE ORGANIZED, I want to be able to enjoy doing nothing without worrying about the things that need doing. I want to move forward in life to have a life and a spirit I can be proud of. and most of all, I want someone who wants the same things I want. or at the very least, someone who doesn’t become an obstacle between me and the things that I want.

Why does life have to be such a huge struggle? I don’t want to be a bitch in my own home, I don’t want to be anybody’s nag, I dont’ want to be anybody’s mother or anybody’s maid except for Jada, or anybody’s alarm clock. or anybody’s phone operator.

I just wanna be me and i wanna be my husband’s partner in life, my daughter’s mother, my father’s daughter, my sister’s friend.. that’s it.

Everytime I ever think of killing myself I end up laughing at myself instead because I know how stupid a thought that is. And I know I’d never actually go thru with anything even close. But I was thinking last night. If I really wanted to do it now, could I? I could never leave my daughter like that.. I wouldn’t want to chance that she’d be in trouble or in pain and not have me around to console her and if i did decide to do it, would i take her with me to spare her future pain of not knowing me and not having me there? All very grim things to be thinking about but this is just how alone i was feeling. LOL! but no, don’t fret cuz I’d never in a million years do anything like that.. I was just thinking of a way out no matter how crazy. Thankfully I just fell asleep and only woke up to the bed moving when dennis decided to come to bed at 5:12am this morning. Not an unusual thing for him. It’s sad that I sleep alone so often. I wish it wasn’t such a big inconvenience for him to come to bed with me. I remember when he’d be more than happy to , now he’s never more than happy to. I used to think that we’d never break up, now I think it’s only a matter of a few years. Let the love wane and dissipate over a few more years until there’s nothing really left keeping us together except for our duty to the kid(s) and the mortgage.

I AM alone in the world. There may be good times with dennis and parties with the family but nobody really understands me. Nobody. Least of all the people closest to me right now.