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I went to gabe’s house for another of his kids birthday parties. His daughter’s sixth. I had a good time. Dennis couldn’t go so it was just me and Jada. I got to talk to some of his family more this time and his dad is really a pleasure to listen to .. reminds me of some people in my fam.

Anyways, his daughter must have gotten about 8 barbie dolls. After about the 5th one she started hitting herself over the head with them LOL! Thank god I didn’t get her a doll. I got one of those tubs of crayola crayons, chalk, coloring books, markers, etc.

Trimmed the hedge back in our front lawn between our drive way and the nieghbors. It was about 6 feet high. I cut it down to about 4 maybe 4 and a half feet. It looks geeeewwwwd, if i don’t say so myslef. Sooo much neater. Meanwhile dennis bagged a few more of the mountains of muck i made in the back yard. We have about 10 bags of crap now that have to wait till friday before it can be picked up. Didn’t do anymore work on the back yard other than buy a couple trellises and an “Action Hoe” ahahaha… love the name of that one. I’ll try using it today.

I had another one of those dreams this morning. It’s an interesting read but LOOOOOONG. My dreams are so fucking long sometimes.

Not much else to say other than I have some work to do so off i go.

ciaos.

sometimes I feel so hopeless, (but thankfully it isn’t an every day occurrence, or I would be dead) Ever feel like nobody understands you, especially not your SO? I felt very alone last night. Felt like I had nobody to share my hopes, dreams, goals in life. After going to bed I wondered if I would be feeling that way if I were better at making and keeping friends.. if i were more of a social butterfly, would I feel so alone? I think the answer is yes, I would.

I’m not missing PEOPLE, or people to bounce my thoughts off of or hang out with, etc. What I’m missing is someone who I share my priorities with or in other words who wants the same things I want. I want to fix up my house, I want to feel comfortable in my own house, in my own yard, I want to BE ORGANIZED, I want to be able to enjoy doing nothing without worrying about the things that need doing. I want to move forward in life to have a life and a spirit I can be proud of. and most of all, I want someone who wants the same things I want. or at the very least, someone who doesn’t become an obstacle between me and the things that I want.

Why does life have to be such a huge struggle? I don’t want to be a bitch in my own home, I don’t want to be anybody’s nag, I dont’ want to be anybody’s mother or anybody’s maid except for Jada, or anybody’s alarm clock. or anybody’s phone operator.

I just wanna be me and i wanna be my husband’s partner in life, my daughter’s mother, my father’s daughter, my sister’s friend.. that’s it.

Everytime I ever think of killing myself I end up laughing at myself instead because I know how stupid a thought that is. And I know I’d never actually go thru with anything even close. But I was thinking last night. If I really wanted to do it now, could I? I could never leave my daughter like that.. I wouldn’t want to chance that she’d be in trouble or in pain and not have me around to console her and if i did decide to do it, would i take her with me to spare her future pain of not knowing me and not having me there? All very grim things to be thinking about but this is just how alone i was feeling. LOL! but no, don’t fret cuz I’d never in a million years do anything like that.. I was just thinking of a way out no matter how crazy. Thankfully I just fell asleep and only woke up to the bed moving when dennis decided to come to bed at 5:12am this morning. Not an unusual thing for him. It’s sad that I sleep alone so often. I wish it wasn’t such a big inconvenience for him to come to bed with me. I remember when he’d be more than happy to , now he’s never more than happy to. I used to think that we’d never break up, now I think it’s only a matter of a few years. Let the love wane and dissipate over a few more years until there’s nothing really left keeping us together except for our duty to the kid(s) and the mortgage.

I AM alone in the world. There may be good times with dennis and parties with the family but nobody really understands me. Nobody. Least of all the people closest to me right now.

Weird ass dream involving Verio, the ncc, the fbi and Al-Caida I had last night. LOL

I was told by Eric (my boss) that there was a possible position for me at the ncc as an ncc supervisor. It did not sound “good” to me but for some reason I agreed to give it a try for a day or so before making a final decision on it.

So I go to the ncc to work the next day to try to learn the ncc job. When I arrived I was met by jessica and one of the other guys there the skinny one. lol! i can’t remember his name - and I’m told that I have to watch the screens and catch troubled servers and if i did a bad job that i would be fired completely. I keep thinking to myself “shit this sucks ass… this is NOT what I should be doing at this company”… and thought “Isn’t this a step *down* from sa, why would i be making more money here?”

Anyway it was jessica’s and that guy’s end of shift and another of the guys showed up for beginning of his. Calvin i think it was (i’m bad with names but it was one of the guys in ncc) anyways… After some polite intro he goes and sits down at his desk while I keep wondering to myself.. “how the fuck did i get myself into this now?”

He and I then have this dialog…

ME : ” So i’m not sure if i’m gonna like this job”
HIM : ” it’s not so bad, you get a differentical for working 3rd shift”
ME thinking : (SHIT!! I fucken have to work 3rd? that is really bad … but.. i wonder how much of a differential we’re talking about here)
HIM: “you also get your own car”
JESSICA (although she had already left but dreams are wierd like that ) : “yeah, you get your own car”
ME thinking : (their own car so they can rush back here to report on a downed server like the server police or something … ok, now a free car is really cool)
ME : “so i won’t ever have to drive my own car to work?”
THEM : “NO”
ME thinking : (wow, we could get rid of one of our cars and save some money!)

So i’m alone w/ the ncc dude again and he steps out. I realize i hadn’t looked at the screen which for some reason was almost directly overhead and I have to bend my neck a good 90 degrees UP just to see 1/3rd of anytthing…. And i’m sitting on a bench instead of a desk with a computer…. some ’supervisor’y position.

I see red dots, i say to calvin who comes back, “hey!! real audio is down on 3 servers!!!”
he goes “yeah, i’ll call sa”.
i say ” well if you have open a screen for me i could just fix it myself”
and i think to myself “what the hell am i doing here? i should be an sa again”

then the ncc dude says, “btw .. hr left an envelope in that drawer for you. It’s your pay”
I take out the big folder and inside is a TON of cash money all in packets bound by a strip of paper down the middle as tho from a bank. On the front of the folder it says “14 million dollars” I think to myself. “shit, why would they pay me a whole years worth in advance like that?”

(Only after waking up did i realize that 14 million for one years work at the ncc was a very crazy thing)

I go over to calvin and said “do you guys get all your pay for the year up front? he says no and i showed him the money. His eyes bulge out of his head and drops his mouth open while i leaf thru them and he seas they’re all 50’s 100’s and singles. I thought breifly to myself “why would they give me singles?!?”

so, some more talk goes on and i find that mixed in with the money is a bunch of reciepts and old looking letters some addressed to me, but most addressed to someone by the name of “martha”. I thought this was very suspicious. is this money for me? or for martha? .. but after some consideration i decided that it was meant for me but the fact that they had access to these old receipts of mine from years past was disturbing.

Somehow I’m in bed with dennis and jada is in our room and we are not living in our house, instead we’re in a pretty bright and airy apartment. and i’m thinking, if i take this 3rd shift job, i will NEVER see dennis and only have 3 hours sleep before i have to get back up and care for jada… it would be pure hell.

Suddenly i’m back at the ncc and still looking thru the money but had decided to turn down the ncc job. not even 14 million dollars was enough to keep me there. lol! (only after waking up did i think to myself “what am i nutts?!”)
so i go over to tech support, show the money to dennis and tell him i’m giving it all back, i want my old job back in sa and he takes the money to hold on to it. later that day i find out that he had deposited the money into our bank account. I asked “why’d you do that?” he says “you can write them a check tomorrow when you turn down the job. I was ok with that.

Immediately when i returned to my bench at the ncc i was surrounded by FBI agents. They showed me my bank records and accused me of having taken the money as payment from osama bin laden’s terrorist group for having done some terrible work for them. There were no details, just the accusation from the agents and I’m frantically trying to explain that i was giving the money back to turn down a job.

ME: “i was going to give the money back!”
AGENT: “so why did you deposit it?”
ME : “I didn’t deposit it, it was …”
AGENT: shoves my bank record in my face and says “but it WAS deposited, what is that on your account?”
ME: “14 million dollars, but I didn’t deposit it!, it was…”
AGENT: “so how did that money get there?!!!”
ME: “dennis did it”
AGENT: “and WHY would he do that?”

I really didn’t know WHY he had done that, just that he had, and i was REALLY afraid of getting him in trouble too. After stumbling around for some reason I came up with a good one..

ME: “because he thought it was nutts to walk around with that much cash on me for 24 hours”
AGENT: ” that money was not for the ncc job”
ME : “sure it was, calvin/rick/whoever the hell it was told me it was. i showed it to him and everyone else at the ncc. they ALL saw it. jUST aske them!!”
AGENT: “that isn’t true”
ME: “there were letters in along with the money, i’ll show you!!”

somehow now the letters were going to prove my innocense and i HAD to find them.

We search for those letters but they are nowhere. I really really had no idea what i had done with them and suddenly thought “they’re in my cell phone!”

the agent refuses to let me use my cell phone to show him. He pulls out his own cell phone and asks, just tell me what to do to find the files. I look at his phone and feel very confused… i’m thinking, this is not a familiar phone and unfamiliar screen..

ME: “that’s not my cell phone”
AGENT: ” I transfered all the data from yours to this one.. you see? it has a cell phone memory chip reader.”
We fumble around trying to find the fucken files but can’t..
ME: “the files aren’t showing up on it. i need my own phone”
AGENT : “ok” and puts the chip back into my phone and turns it on. “tell me how to get to the files”.
ME: feeling confused, not knowing how to TELL someone how to do it. I have to do it myself. Kinda like having to dial a phone number in order to ‘remember’ it. muscle memory it’s called, not REAL memory. ” i have to do it myself”
AGENT: “that’s not going to be possible.”
ME: frantic. “i’m telling you those files are somewhere, i’m not guilty, i’m innocent!!!!!”

Now someone calls the agent away and he leaves the phone and me behind unattended. I look around, pick up the phone and key thru the different folders trying to find. Now somehow I find the files and have one of the letters in my hand, I run over and yell at the agent “I have one of them , see!!”

At that moment the al-caida terrorists start shooting at me from helicopters or building roof tops and I dive into the water (now we’re suddenly atop some kind of lake city with water all around and under us similar to the watertown in jack and daxter 2) and i am swimming under the the buildings and stuff dodging the bullets.

I can’t remember what happens after this.. but somehow the fbi start to help me to get out alive.. from somewhere in a building somewhere they pull out jada and hand her to me but now she’s a 5 or 6 year old boy. I thought that was odd but accepted it and moved on. they hand her/him to me and dennis and we walk out of that mess alive. the fbi now have some shooting terrorists to take care of and they just let us leave.

And that was the end of the dream.