… and instead i’m up reading fucking work email and letting yet another idiot get under my skin ..
I think i’m thinking too much. i went to see my grandmother today who’s health is failing. she’s got cancer on the skin of her nose, she’s got severe anemia and has had 5 blood transfutions already, has shortness of breath and probably has another clogged artery.. not to mention she’s diabetic and has decided she no longer needs her insulin shots. ..can’t even bathe on her own anymore so one of my aunts is staying with her now. she’s the closest thing to a mother i have and I lived with her since i was 14. She was also my surrogate mom after my mother died when i was 3. On the one hand, i want her to die so it will be over with and her and my suffering can stop. On the other hand, I can’t beleive I’m thinking like that and i’m wondering if I’m using those thoughts as a cop out for dealing with how I REALLY feel about it. I realized recently that this is how I always deal with death.. can’t be good. She was the strongest 87 year old on the planet until her health started to go downhill after this drama with my brother broke out. in a matter of one week after that big big blow up everything started to snowball with her health. After coming home my brother, whom i’ve been avoiding for a month, calls again and I decide to finally take his call. He and his accusations are the source of the drama.. lordy lordy.. accusations, blame games, threats, rumors that become more exaggerated the more they’re told. The drama revolves around *some kinda bad stuff* while we were growing up by an adult in our family. they were all fucked up. Thank god i was too young to see or remember a lot of it. But who do I beleive? the brother who’s been a drug addict since he was 11, has lied and stole from everybody in the family? or the other person and everybody else who’s protecting him who I already know for a fact has abused other members in and out of the family and the family who loves to spread and add ’spice’ to rumors at my brother’s expense? did he or didn’t he do the specific thing he’s being accused of now? christ.. I told my brother i’m not taking sides and he got mad at me. I said I don’t know who to beleive, WHICH IS THE PLAIN TRUTH, that’s it’s not all black and white and he thinks THAT is a copout. well fuck him. and fuck everybody else who has managed to make me want to move farther north. and i can’t even go to my mother’s side of the fam to escape it. The long arm of “love” has touched that too. As long as i don’t think about it, don’t talk about it, don’t hear about it, I can keep living under the illusion that i have a normal family.
it’s 5:30 am… i think i’ll just stay up.
Them’s some heavy crosses to bear.
I’m sorry about your grandmother. You probably know this already, but it’s natural to have the thoughts you are having. I can’t tell you not to feel guilty, because nobody can tell you how to feel or how not to feel, but it’s natural to have the thoughts, and to feel guilty about them, and it’s also okay to forgive yourself for having them, because it’s okay to be human.
About the other thing, how hard that sounds. I hope the family finds some kind of resolution soon, but it does sound very unfair to me that people want you to take sides.
“Normal” family? I don’t know anyone who has one. Sigh.
Reply to springdewthanks. I actually never discussed or talked about these thoughts about death with anyone so, no, i didn’t know those are natural. Certainly doesn’t feel natural. I can see why people choose not to talk about that.
I doubt any resolution will ever come of the other thing. I don’t think the family will ever talk about it openly or at least put it to rest until after all 3 parties are dead or someone confesses the truth.
Reply to Tania (digsite)