communication is such an important thing! :) I swear some people should brush up on it.. So we had decided on plan A, then someone came up with plan B (a better plan) then the next person took it to a next level and turned plan B into plan C. Plan C is no good and now we’re back to plan B. All this in 4 days and I’m still hopeful it can be done successfully and completely by cob today. :) we’ll see.
So.. everybody knows we have plans on having another baby. And I have already vowed that I wouldn’t have the kind of diet I had with I was pg with J. I gained far too much weight then which has never come off with all the McD’s and sweets. So it will be salads and lean meats, fruits and all that wholesome stuff second time around.
But then I went and decided that since I won’t be having anymore fast foods for a long long time, that I should “stock up” while I can. So now I’ve just gone fast food bonkers and have been having it every day for lunch along with non-diet sodas. Starbucks and cakes for breakfast on saturdays. .oO (Hell, i’m not pg so I can do this till I do get pg.. no problem.) riiiiiight.
Well, dammit, now I wish I hadn’t done that cuz I’ve gained a couple inches around my waist and my pants don’t fit me and i’m talking about the only few pairs of pants that i’ve been wearing for the past 2 years. I refuse to buy larger. So, I gotta stop that now. No more fast food for me. 
dammit, now i’ve got MORE weight to worry about, dammit. My goal will be only to prevent gaining much more with the next pg. I can’t put myself on a diet so that’s the best I can do.
alright, a third thing. :) I have been intrigued (more like bothered) by the subject of adoption for a long long time. The usual questions remain unanswered for me. How can someone put their baby up for adoption? How can they cope the rest of their lives knowing their baby is out there somewhere? With open adoptions, how can you stand to watch your baby be raised by someone else? And since there’s no law that can force adoptive parents in an “open” adoption to abide by their promises to the birthmothers, how can they cope if/when they ever decide they no longer want it to be open? I’ve done a lot of reading on adoption sites and have read lots of stories. I tend to concentrate on the negatives because those are the ones I can’t stomach. Not to mention those are the ones there are more of out there!
For instance, there is a woman (cynthia jordan. aka jordanmode) who already had to teen sons when she got pg with a little girl (malia). One of her sons sounded like he was special needs and she decided for (some reason I will never agree with) that she needed to put that baby up for adoption so she could spend more time with her sons.. She and her son (who she decided to let have a part in choosing adoptive parents) chose a couple that already had an adoptive son and they made all kinds of promises to her about contact, visits, photos, you name it. She knew she had made a mistake when her son seemed to be emotionally affected by the loss of his sister rather than thriving from having same amount of time with his mother. Two years pass and the adoptive parents change their mind. They close off contact with the birthmother and she’s is so filled with guilt and depression that she took her own life a year after that. She was a regular poster at a couple adoption sites. This happened almost a year ago. The adoptive parents had published a book called “fast track to adoption” which you can find on amazon where they speak about how to dupe an unsuspecting birthmother. Well, it doesn’t say ‘dupe’ but they SO didn’t abide by their own advice in that book. people think this book was the straw that broke the camels back for this woman. This is soo sad that it totally makes me think adoptive parents don’t care about anybody but themeselves.
I regularly read posts from women that go something like this ” great news! i know this girl/woman who is pregnant and doesn’t know what to do .. she doesn’t think she can raise her baby and is thinking about putting it up for adoption. And we might get to adopt her baby!!! isn’t that great!!?” Well, NO, it’s not great. What a selfish thing to think. How about helping that woman? How about finding out WHY she thinks she can’t raise it and see if she can get some help first?!
It just kills me. I don’t get to read many GOOD stories about adoption. But then I found a good story! IT’s a nice change of pace even tho it doesn’t totally change my opinion on ths subject. I accidentally stumbled on one adoptee’s journal online. She started it when she started her journey to find her birthmother. I haven’t read the entire thing, skipped to the end because I was anxious to see what happened. It is a beautiful story. No resentments at all but still it just goes to show that even wonderful stories where the babies grow up with wonderful parents and have great lives, there is pain and anguish. She always wanted to know about her birthmother. It was a thought that stayed with her her entire life because she wanted to know things that I think everybody should know. Who did she look like? Who was she like? what was her name? sure she had a name, but she (her words) wanted to know what HER name was .. her name that she had before she was adopted. Eventually she found her bmom but bmom decided she wanted no contact. This decision was totally based on feelings of fear than it did a real sense of not wanting anything to do with her. The bmom somehow still found the woman’s journal online and started to read it. After a few months, she decided to start her own journal on that site so her birthdaughter could read it but they still had no direct contact with eachother. (but they knew of eachother’s journals) She slowly openned up more and they have since met eachother in person (this just happened this week). It kinda got me thinking that her journal should be put into a book. I wish her adoptive mother would journal too cuz she sounds like a great supportive woman.
Well, to the point.. this woman (the adoptee) journals so opennly and honestly that you really get a feeling for who she is. It really grabs you and makes you feel like you’re inside her story. It makes for a great read and she’s actually got some writing skills, imo. I think it’s so awesome that they logged all their experiences during their long, slow reunion. This inspired me so much that I think I’m going to put all my journal entries into a book (personal book) I don’t intend on publishing, of course. my life is too boring for that! It’s just to pass down to my kids/grandkids etc… But I hold back too much on LJ so I think I’m either going to have to journal more privately separatelly or get over fear of openning up too much to people.
Whatever happened to me anyway? I used to wear my feelings on my sleeve when I was growing up. Now I only open up to D, when he’s not too distracted to listen that is.. Not even my sister gets to see all of me. In fact, I think only my little brother & sister get to see me in my natural state more than anybody else in my family. But still, I hold back even with them. Anyways, not sure if I should print all the stuff out and type up my hand written journal entries too, or what. I just hope I don’t put it all off till I get hit by a bus and it’s too late.
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