digsite

I think most people have their 1 or 2 things that they struggle with most of their lives. Either until they die or until they wake the fuck up, get off their ass and fucken do something about it. grrrr.. I have my 1 or 2 things too and every so often (and especially after having reached a low point) I have my famous moment of clarity where it’s just OH! so clear what needs to be done. I think I’m there now actually. But the sad part is I’ve been there before. I’ve had my moment of clarity before but have always failed to follow through.

You’re probably wondering what 1 or 2 things are mine? it doesn’t matter. They’re probably the same as every other person on the planet. very mainstream stuff. I just wonder if I’m ever going to be one of the minority who manage to stear their lives how they want it. and i mean successfully and permanently.. not half way, not ‘kindof’, and not for just a few weeks. Will I ever have it in me? I think sometimes that I have to go through a drastic change in order to do it. Get a new house, change jobs, maybe even move to a new city, that sort of thing…

Well anyways, I’ll talk about my 1st ‘thing’ afterall. When I have good physical energy (rare) and i’m not a pile of shit on a couch who’s barely able to get up to stop my daughter from pulling wires out of my husband’s open computer in the dining room, I have ideas.. I get inspired.. I feel renewed. I dunno what the fuck I gotta do to get thet kind of energy on a daily basis but I really do have to find out. Being pregnant REALLY doesn’t help but if I was normally an energetic person to begin with, I wouldn’t even be thinking about this. I’d just wait for the time to pass and look forward to being my “old self”. Trouble is my “old self” is just a notch less exhausted as what I am right now. I’m just tired of being tired! plain and simple. The earliest I can remember having a problem with my energy is 16. 16 years old and tired all the time. and it’s only gotten worse with age, kids, and more responsibilities. It just occurred to me that my energy level probably hasn’t changed over the years, rather than my having to spread it all so much more thinly now.

So anyways, that’s what’s primarily on my mind these days.

Btw, LOL, if anybody is selling, or knows someone that is selling, or knows of a place that sells used treadmills, lemme know please.

I wish I had more close friends I could go to with my thoughts and feelings because I certainly can’t tell dh everything. He will many times either blow it off or not understand and that’s IF he’s even listening so I don’t even bother anymore. It’s best to internalize than to have it dismissed like a fart.

I wish I could leave my house for a few days or just the weekend and stay at a hotel or friends house so I could escape my life and the opressiveness of it all. I swear I can’t even feel free at home most times. It’s opressing, depressing, everything not good. I just want to escape.

Yesterday I was feeling depressed and unloved, today i’m feeling misunderstood, sexually let down, and just PISSED OFF. Where can or where will I ever find REAL LIVE HAPPINESS? good lasting happiness? I’m tired of pretending so much. Pretending things are OK, pretending i’m happy, pretending I even like myself. Is this all life has to offer me? I hate my house, I hate my schedule, I hate the fact that I never feel understood or cared about the way I want. And i’m tired of settling. I wonder if there’s more for me out there. What the fuck do I have to do to find it anyway?

Oppressed is a good word. I use it internally a lot and I think it accurately describes my general state of mind. WTF? is this the way the rest of my life is destined to go?

I’m so tired of everything around me. my house, my family, my car, my hair, my fucken back, everything. Maybe I need to leave my house for a while…. so I could have a vacation away from myself, my life, the drab people around me, EVERYTHING… thing is, tho, i could never leave my daughter.