digsite

…what a disease.

It’s like some addiction where even when you know it’s not good for you, all you keep doing is putting it off and putting it off. I don’t think I was always this way. Not even in college. I remember being happy and doing my laundry every week.

I did put things off like school work but I don’t think that stuff really mattered to me much anyway. Sure I look back on those days and wish that I had been more dedicated to school and had studied harder, but I think everybody looks back on their life and wished they had tried harder and used their time better. But at least back then I feel I was a happier person. I had friends. I had fun. And more importantly, I had ambition and was hopeful for what the future could bring.

Today i still procrastinate but the difference is that it’s crippling. It’s crippling my husband too even though he may not know it. His is such a passive personality that I completely believe his happiness is guided those closest to him. I’m capable of a lot more sponteneity, a lot more joy. I can be a fun person, an upbeat and funny person. When I am, I know the mood of the entire house changes with me. But those times have been rare.

I put off the most mundane tasks like laundry, dishes, washing my hair, and then my perfectionism kicks in.  I can’t get to step 96 (wake up in a fit of joy and take the kids to the pool) because I haven’t completed steps 5 thru 95 (declutter everything, deep clean everything, and set up retirement for us and college funds for the girls). I’ve created a mental jail for myself. I commit the sin of a dirty disorganized house and punish myself with an empty life. Where the hell did I learn this behaviour anyway? It certainly wasn’t from my family.

…..

I had an epiphany while writing this post this morning. And it’s that I carry this family in more ways than one. I don’t just pay the bills, I don’t just decide what we’re cleaning this week or if we do something this weekend.  What a sobering thought.