digsite

I haven’t talked about my thoughts on my weight here because everytime I’m open about my efforts to lose a few, I fail. I have blamed it on feeling like I’m expected to lose it, and I don’t work well under that kind of pressure. With my husband particularly, I really rather he not say anything at all to me about it unless I specifically bring it up or ask him a question like “do you think I’m fat?” which I feel he never answers honestly. At 184lbs, I can’t not be considered fat. I’ve got rolls and a belly overhang for christ sake.

I don’t want him to know when I’m trying to lose a few because I don’t want to be asked “how it’s going?” or “should you really be eating that?”. Those comments/questions are just as sabatoging to me as eating a rack of ribs. Just as unwelcome are comments like “We can go to Ruby Tuesdays because they have the salad bar.” That just brings my blissful day to a screetching halt because I really need nobody to remind me in any way about my weight, what I eat, what I don’t eat. It’s on me 24/7, trust me, I don’t need the reminders.

Anyway, the history with me is this. I had always been skinny growing up even to the point that I was taken to doctors to help my appetite. In college I was even asked if I was anorexic. At my lightest I reached 117lbs without an eating disorder. I just was. That wasn’t exactly my healthiest weight tho. Healthy was 135-145. I got a little careless after meeting Dennis and fluffed up to 155lbs but that was really no big deal.

The two pregnancies are what did me in. My stable weight after the two girls was 176lbs. Uncomfortable, nothing fit right, but not so bad, eh? I kept telling myself that it was just 20 lbs even tho I never could stick with a plan, it was still just 20lbs. But last week I weighed myself and was shocked to see that I’m now 184lbs. When in the hell did that happen? I’m officially fat and nobody can try to disuade me. I’m fat. But that’s not what brings me so much grief. I’m tired all the time, I have no energy, I can barely get on all fours and look under the couch for things without feeling like i’m going to pass out, my joints feel like i have sand in them, I get strange stomach nausea for no good reason. Like today. I keep joining weight loss challenges on ediets.com and totally letting the other members and myself down.

Maybe that’s where those 8 lbs came from. The repeated sign ups to challenges and then feeling like I’ve failed all those people and myself for not trying hard enough.

There it is. And if you read this, Dennis, please don’t bring it up. Thanks.