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What were my accomplishments, failures, joys, grievances, fulfillments and regrets of 2006?

Let’s recap.

I entered 2006 five months pregnant, bored with work, fed up with my messy house, and consumed with redecorating ideas for Jada’s room. Typical for a pregnant mother I think.

January, February, and March sped by as I continued to make preparations for the new baby. Each passing week meant I was less mobile and had more aches and pains. After the first week of April I went on maternity leave and waited for the onset of labor. It came on the 21st. May, June and July were spent recovering, adjusting, and breastfeeding. I returned to work in July and readjusted to life once again by August. September, October, and November were whizzed by in a blur of good intentions for getting the house back under control, and losing the pregnancy weight but it never happened. December, with the start of 2007 in sight, brought renewed ambition for me where cleaning house and losing weight were concerned.

My very biggest accomplishment of 2006 is to have given birth vaginally after having had a c-section with my first.  That experience was intense, painful, a blur, monumental.  It was the best experience of my life ever.

My saddest failure was, and still is, not having drawn up a plan that would help D and I keep the house under control.

My biggest joy was giving Jada a baby sister.

My grievance would be not having made the time to nurture old friendships or the opportunity to make new ones.

So two days before we exit the year, the baby is 8 months old, Jada is 3 and a half years old and a few steps better with her speach. We have a routine established. Not necessarily a good one but it’s there. Dennis and I are coping with work and parenthood. I’m leaving 2006 a little poorer and a little richer, and hopeful for the next year.

I’m at work.  This is my last work day of 2006. I should close it out with a big BANG and do absolutely nothing at all. I should let the servers crash and burn. I should let our customers’ sites go unresponsive and let mail go undelivered.

FUCK 2006!  Let it go down in one big ball of fire!!

I had an evil evil dream last night. Highly emotional. The kind that seemed real while I was having it and once I start to think back on it, I can’t help feeling anxious and uptight.

My dream starts out in an area of an unfamiliar apartment that looked like a kitchen. I’m burying something in the floor. The floor is dirt as if the kitchen were built directly on the ground with nothing but vinil flooring to cover it. The vinil had been removed in the section where I was burying something. It was a grave and I was burying my oldest daughter’s coffin right next to my youngest’s coffin. They were about half their height.

As I was positioning the coffins in the dirt I have no other thought than something like “yeah, I’m burying my second here now too”. No emotion, no tears.

Then suddenly when I was done positioning them I realized that this meant they were gone forever. They were dead. I started to mourn as if my insides were being torn out of me. The emotional pain was too much to bare. But thought of my youngest was not in my mind at all. It the loss of my oldest daughter I was mourning.

I could not stop crying. The pain was gut wrenching. After several minutes of this I started to think that I needed to kill myself to end the pain but the pain of losing her was so much that I couldn’t form a complete thought about killing myself.

I don’t know how they died but I couldn’t the image of my oldest out of my mind. I kept hugging the air as if trying to hug her some how. I would never hug her again. I would never hear her voice again. I would never smell her again.

It was so painful. As painful as I would imagine it would be if it happened in real life.

I woke up from this more worried for my kids than ever. Had I known what having kids would really be like. Really. I wonder if I ever would have had them. I love them so much it hurts. Especially after having a dream like that one.

We drove up to Bradenton which is north of Sarasota and spent two days with Dennis’ mom, step father and sister. I’m sure they loved seeing the kids although all I could think about was “Do they think I’m fat? Sure they do. They must think I’m fat. They’re sure playing it off really well tho”. LOL! But really, aside from my mind beating me up, I did have a pleasant time. Jada did act up from time to time but, all in all, it was nice to see them again.

The one gift I was worried about was the one I got for D’s step father. A book called “Sex, Death, and Flyfishing”. I laughed my head off when I saw it especially since the other book I was looking at was “50 Flyfishing places to visit before you Die”. What the hell is it about flyfishing that makes you think of death?!

Jada cleaned house with a large Dora doll, books, more books, care bear figures, and a coloring book. I got Dennis a watch, Nintendo DS game, and a ‘toy’ from thinkgeek. Dennis got me two PostSecret books (awesome!) and a figurine of a guy dead at his desk after surfing the net too long (so me), and I got a dvd from his sister and blouse from his mom.

Anyway, we got back home yesterday evening just in enough time to turn our house upside down with more packages, suit cases, bags, gifts. Jada openned the gift we got her last night as well. An easel. One side is a chalk board, the other a white board and it’s got a paper roll for painting. We also got her paints, paint brushes, chalk, eraser. She really likes it but she now officially has too many toys. So many that it begins to be detrimental for a child’s emotional health. Pretty soon she’ll start to expect many many regular gifts from random people and wonder why there are 5 and not 7.

I need to schedule a toy purge for late January.

Well, vacation is over so the vacation posting marathon is over as well.

I picked Dennis up from the airport last night and he was already waiting by luggage when I got there. Jada was SO happy to see him that she ran to him and after giving him a big hug she started acting all goofy jumping around like a doof. He said he felt weird being back. I bet. I feel weird everytime I go to Miami and come back, imagine going to another country on a different continent. LOL!

So I work for three days this week and then I have saturday off. We’re going to Sarasota on saturday but it’s not certain what day we’ll be coming back.

At any rate, it feels wierd being back at work for me. No kids so that’s a plus, but I’ve exchanged kids for feeling this invisible “boss” over my shoulder. He’s not even here yet and I feel this weight on my shoulders like he’s watching my every move. Will he even come by to say hello after I had been out for so long? I rather he stay away, to tell the truth.

Continue reading ‘Back at work’

Not much to report today. I cleaned dog pee on two separate occasions. Same with dog poop even tho I let them out three times. They don’t like walking on wet grass. I thought about how wonderful it would be to be dogless for the 2nd and 3rd times this week. They really piss me off.

It was daycare day for Jada so I got a nice break from her. When I dropped her off, tho, I saw some behaviour with another kid that started to get me worried. I was always the social retard growing up which translated into my being a social retard as an adult and I don’t want that for her. She looks so much like me that I worry she might start to be like me in that regard too so I’m always looking out for signs.

She separated herself from the other kids and went to stand all alone at the other side of the room. She did this after she did something to make one of the kids mad enough to scream at her. I didn’t catch whatever it was she did but it made that kid pretty freaken angry! Part of my social retardedness also involved being mean to other kids because I lacked the communication skills to be anything else.

Continue reading ‘Vacation day #10: lazy day’