I had an evil evil dream last night. Highly emotional. The kind that seemed real while I was having it and once I start to think back on it, I can’t help feeling anxious and uptight.
My dream starts out in an area of an unfamiliar apartment that looked like a kitchen. I’m burying something in the floor. The floor is dirt as if the kitchen were built directly on the ground with nothing but vinil flooring to cover it. The vinil had been removed in the section where I was burying something. It was a grave and I was burying my oldest daughter’s coffin right next to my youngest’s coffin. They were about half their height.
As I was positioning the coffins in the dirt I have no other thought than something like “yeah, I’m burying my second here now too”. No emotion, no tears.
Then suddenly when I was done positioning them I realized that this meant they were gone forever. They were dead. I started to mourn as if my insides were being torn out of me. The emotional pain was too much to bare. But thought of my youngest was not in my mind at all. It the loss of my oldest daughter I was mourning.
I could not stop crying. The pain was gut wrenching. After several minutes of this I started to think that I needed to kill myself to end the pain but the pain of losing her was so much that I couldn’t form a complete thought about killing myself.
I don’t know how they died but I couldn’t the image of my oldest out of my mind. I kept hugging the air as if trying to hug her some how. I would never hug her again. I would never hear her voice again. I would never smell her again.
It was so painful. As painful as I would imagine it would be if it happened in real life.
I woke up from this more worried for my kids than ever. Had I known what having kids would really be like. Really. I wonder if I ever would have had them. I love them so much it hurts. Especially after having a dream like that one.
Oh honey! I so feel for you. I am one who has extremely vivid dreams that feel as if they are happening while I am having them and I often have HORRIBLE dreams so I know how bad that can be. . . . .but I’ve NEVER had to deal with a “loss of children” nightmare.
Shiver.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that.
kisses
Reply to knittingnursethanks. yeah, normally when i dream about kids it’s births and i’m having more kids, etc. this was a first for me. I’d rather have more giving birth dreams. :/
Reply to Tania (digsite)Around 1976 I read the book “Dream Power” and do have vivid dreams. House(s) and room(s) are frequent characters in my night dreams as are vehicles (from tricycle to school bus) and I take every aspect of my dream as being some aspect of myself. The floor / dirt / basement would be my deep-seated emotion(s), the attic “up in my head” and so forth. My children, in addition to being a concern about the little ones in real life, would also have something to do with the “child within” and something about that which has the feel of “lost forever.” Writing seems like very important work for the inner life.
Reply to BoBraxtonwow, i had never heard of that. sounds like a book worth reading. If I ever finished reading anything I bought , I’d buy it this weekend.
Reply to Tania (digsite)