digsite

I slept for about 10 hours last night and I still have a headache and my body aches especially my back. These allergies are really whooping my butt this year. I might just need to go to the doctor and get prescription allergy meds.

I woke up around 7 and tried to get back to sleep on my other side after a bathroom break but it was pointless. I feel tired. I feel like I did right before going to bed last night. sigh… More time in bed isn’t going to fix me. I need allergy meds …or something.

I’ve been spending a lot of thought cycles on my mother these days. How she died suddenly after what looked like a simple flu. I grew up thinking the same would happen to me. I didn’t realize how much my subconscious expected it until my daughter reached 3 years of age and as she gets closer to the age I was when my mother died, I think about it more. Just one month before turning 4. She turns 4 in July. Maybe after we pass that hump, I’ll stop thinking about it.

Actually come to think of it. I might get more paranoid when my youngest turns 4 because then my oldest will be 6-7. Which is closer to my brother and my age when she died. He was 8 going on 9, I was practically 4. (I think I’m right about his age.. )

My father and grandparents probably thought that it was good I didn’t know what was going on. Just like they did when my uncle Jorge died. They thought, “poor boys, but the little one won’t be affected. He doesnt’ knwo what’s going on”. Think again. I might have been oblivious to the real meaning of d-e-a-d, but I remember the day she died. I remember my father’s breakdown. And I grew up thinking I’d die at 34 too. Well at least I hit 35 without dying.. next daughter #1 has to reach 4 years and I have to stay alive.