digsite

I have found it pretty difficult to write in my blog these days because the only thing I have on my mind is the one thing I can’t write about. Hopefully after a post about how I can’t write about what’s on my mind, maybe I can get passed it and stop thinking about said thing I can’t write about.

I will say this tho, that I have been feeling so much like a freaking victim these days. So much more than I ever thought I would. There maybe a good reason or there might not be any reason at all. Who knows. All I know is I’ve been walking around pretending to be on this planet when all my brain is really doing is wandering aimlessly and blindly in a fog and bumping into things and then turning around and bumping into whatever’s next like those little cars for kids that run around bumping and turning. Makes no sense, I know. But like I said I can’t really elaborate on anything now can I.

Sigh… I’ll just talk about how I feel. I feel weak. I feel stupid. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, duped. I was sitting in my couch looking at my daughter yesterday and wondered what things I’d say to her when she’s older about the jobs I’ve had in my lifetime and especially about the recent few days. I’m sure I’ll get over it all by then and be able to tell her about everything objectively and laugh about it all. But right now, this week, I feel stupid. I don’t feel good. I feel sucked in by two sides. One side is in the wrong, perverted, and sick. The other side is in the right, righteous, and empowering. Did Anakin Skywalker feel this conflicted? At any rate, I think I’ll stick with the empowering side, the side that will restore my dignity. I’ll try to draw energy from there from now on.

Ahh… Thanks, blog-of-mine. You always come through for me and make me feel better about anything that weighs heavy on my mind. :)

Maybe now I can get back to blogging about other things like how my daughter tells me “I’m so proud of you” whenever I do what she asks.