Digsite

Everything I’ve been going through and all the different emotions I’ve been experiencing these last few weeks have really left me feeling like some kind of raw piece of meat in a pressure cooker. And I’m not getting any less raw. I don’t know how else to describe it.

I went to feeling like I didn’t give a shit about anything, to concerned, to torturing myself about stuff and crying about everything, to feeling good, to feeling numb and sleepy. And Now I’m tired of feeling like a zombie. I guess there isn’t much I can do about that but I want to stop thinking about this all the time. My mind seems to be a master at finding new ways to torture me. The latest is that my brain is engaged in a circular “chicken or the egg” sort of thought pattern and there’s no reasoning a way out of it.

And it sounds something like …
am I still depressed -> i must be or i wouldn’t be feeling this way -> but i feel better than last week -> but I still dont’ feel right -> I must still be depressed -> but I feel better than last week..

..you get the picture.

There have been moments between yesterday and today when I’ve wanted to do something crazy like stab myself in the arm with a knife just so I can feel something. Or go out and rape some random man on the street. I think I need to be sedated like an elephant needing to be transported to an elephant sanctuary for it’s own safety and others. lol!

I had wanted to write one of these for a long time but never knew where to start. So I just started typing with nothing in mind and it didn’t turn out half bad. I wrote this one a while back but never posted it. So here it is.

Maya, you are 14 months old now and when you grow up I want you know exactly how cute you are right now. Oh, and your personality is getting clearer as time passes and I want you to know about that too. You are funny and smart. You want to be part of everything your sister is doing – even when she only lets you watch. And you are very perceptive of things your dad and I do on a daily basis

Just yesterday I caught you trying to connect the strap on your father’s Nintento DS to his laptop usb port. You left me speechless. You must have watched your father connect little plastic doohickey’s to the laptop before. Like his usb bluetooth adapter. =) Because that’s exactly where you were trying to connect the DS. And when you couldn’t get it in there you started to walk away looking confused, then you stopped and turned back to look at the laptop once more as if to say “damnit, I coulda sworn that’s how daddy does it”. And you looked disappointed as you walked off to get into something else you’re not supposed to, like wrecking my scanner. Thanks, for that, btw. I’ll charge you for it when you turn 18.

You demand equality. I can’t give your big sister any food or drink without you wanting some too. You jutt your two lower teeth out and go “eeeeeeee!!” until you get what you want. When you’re walking around and get upset at something (like not getting what you want when you want it) you drop your forehead to the floor like you’re praying to Alah and cry pathetically. This makes me laugh every time. Oh but you don’t seem to understand that this doesn’t get you what you want any faster. If anything it slows down the process because I have to stop and look at you, then chuckle before going back to the task which always seems to be getting you what you wanted anyway. You’re just not patient – especially not when you’re hungry.

You’re favorite food is milk. Chocolate milk. Strawberry milk. And recently I found one adult dish I make that you love. Rice and chicken. Ok so it took me many months to finally give up on trying to feed you and your sister black beans. You just don’t like it, I get it now. At least I can take pride in the fact you love my chicken in tomato sauce with white rice. I don’t blame you, it’s good stuff.

You sleep every night with the same bunny rabbit I bought for you at Walmart when I was still pregnant with you. It’s dirty, broken, and stained. But it’s your bunny rabbit and god forbid your big sister take that away from you like she always does. What’s big sisters for if not to torment you, eh? Don’t worry, tho, when you get older you’ll get a little better at sticking up for yourself. For now you have mommy and daddy to keep things fair.

You demand four things at bedtime. Your bunny rabbit (of course), a paci, a bottle of milk before bed, and a night light. I spoiled you from day one by keeping a lamp on in your room at night. Now you won’t have it any other way. Sometimes we can substitute the bunny for one of the other two dozen small stuffed rabbits or teddy bears you have in your crib, but the paci and night light are absolutely required. No exceptions.

Anyways, officially your first words were “go, go, go”. And your second word has to be “Hi”. Your dad says you say “doggie” but I’ve never heard you say it. We went to the pharmacy today to pick up “neminems” for your very insistent sister and you said Hi to the old man behind us at the checkout line. Good of you to be nice to your elders like that. It put a smile on his face and made me proud.

I pick Jada up from daycare/school and this is the conversation that transpires. Nearly a verbatim repeat every day.

Jada: (while getting her strapped in her carseat) “Mommy, Ee get some neminems.”

Me: “You want M&M’s?”

Jada: “Yeah, Eee get some neminems and then we go home, Okaaay??”

This is how I talk to her when I’m explaining what’s going to happen next when she’s on the verge of a crying fit because she thinks she’s not going to get what she wants. Ie. “We’re going to have dinner first and then you can watch Wubbzy, Okaay?”

Me: “I don’t think so, Jada, we have to get home and have dinner.” (not to mention I would like very much to cut all sugar out of her diet completely)

We pass the supermarket on our way home so as we’re getting closer to it..
Jada: (flailing her arms wildly towards the right side of the car) “Mommy, Eee gotta togo dis way, mommy, Dis WAAY!”

I decide to finally after a month of her begging to let her have some candy, so I turn right into the plaza with the grocery store.

Jada: “Goood, mommy!! Very gooood!!! I so PROUD o’ you!!”

Me: (trying to contain myself) “You’re proud of me?!”

Jada: “Yeah, mommy, you da BEST, good JOB!!”

In other words….

“Mommy, after a full month of lessons you finally got it! You might be a little slow at times but I just knew you could do it!! WAY TO GO!!”

“Oh, and if you’re extra good and get me the large bag, I might just share some with you.”

Ok so I’ve done three things for this blog last week.

1. Activated K2 theme.
2. Applied the 2.2.1 wordpress patch
3. Refreshed all the plugins

I updated the fatblog three days later and fixed a problem where comments were eaten up never to be seen again. If anybody ever has problems commenting, or with any other part of the blog, please do contact me using the “contact me” link in the sidebar. I do test things using FF and IE on XP and Vista, but I’m afraid this doesn’t cover all the bases. Now, if anybody knows a quick way to create a grid background using photoshop, I’d love to hear it!

The following is a wee bit of a ramble, thinking-out-loud type post. You’ve been forewarned.

For the better part of the day today, my head had been so clogged up (I’m sure my coworkers would say they were tired of hearing me blow my nose) and the hot coffee didn’t help one iota either. There were times I had to leave my desk for the refuge of the bathroom so I could put full force into blowing my nose… my sinuses were that badly clogged. At one point, I got back to my desk and my ears decompressed with that loud squeak sound I find amusing so I decided to blow inside my ears by holding my breath and pushing air into my head (you know what I’m talking about).

Then afterwards as I read from my screen, I realized… “hey, my head’s moving back and forth! what the…. ” and realized I was rocking back and forth. I think my ears lost the ability to keep me in balance at that moment. What a funky sensation. And with all that I was actually feeling better today (emotionally) than I have in a long while.

But then there were those odd moments while reading some article online where I’d burst out laughing and then I stopped myself because… strangely, I didn’t deserve to be happy. That was my instinctive, knee jerk reaction was to laughing. I wondered if I had always felt this way subconsciously. Or is this a new one? “I don’t deserve to be happy”? I did this two or three times today and it gave me an anorexic feeling in my gutt. I’m not sure I can really describe well why the word “anorexic” sounds spot on for me, but it does. Depriving myself of something that I need? Yes, exactly that!

I guess having poked my head out of the dark cloud today has given me the ability to self analyze a little. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job of it or not but I think I am anyway. Interesting indeed. But something always manages to put me back under that dark cloud…

Tonight my kid accidentally hit me on the nose with her rock hard skull and I felt so angry and terrible and my mind started to think about all sorts of stuff and the image of that black hole came back to my mind’s eye. Oh, I have never talked about the black hole? There’s a good reason for that. I guess it could be categorized as one of those secret secrets we humans don’t even think about sharing with others. Everybody’s got a few like this. Some darker than others. Maybe because they reside in the deep recesses of the brain and because there’d be no benefit to anyone for exposing them. Both valid reasons for leaving such things alone, I think.

But because I’ve been making quick work of exposing every detail of my life on this blog (I might as well post a closeup picture of my crotch too while I’m at it), and because now I have mentioned it, let me describe what I see. The black hole is the dark corner of the darkest room of our house. Next to where I sleep. Like a black hole in space it has no structure and sucks in all the light. It represents the dead end of my life. The grim reaper of me. That’s what I see. That’s how I view my future. In that black hole. Ending in that dark corner of my room. Does that sound scary? I’m sorry. But that’s what I see. Self analysis kicking in again tells me that this is the reason I haven’t cleared out that area of my room. It feels so untouchable.

Ok, you can go off now and call the straight jacket people. Just give me enough time to pack my toothbrush!

I need to use more cuss words on my blog like shit, fuck, ass, pussy, dick, and cunt. There’s no way I’m just gonna stand by and allow myself be Rated PG!