digsite

Everything I’ve been going through and all the different emotions I’ve been experiencing these last few weeks have really left me feeling like some kind of raw piece of meat in a pressure cooker. And I’m not getting any less raw. I don’t know how else to describe it.

I went to feeling like I didn’t give a shit about anything, to concerned, to torturing myself about stuff and crying about everything, to feeling good, to feeling numb and sleepy. And Now I’m tired of feeling like a zombie. I guess there isn’t much I can do about that but I want to stop thinking about this all the time. My mind seems to be a master at finding new ways to torture me. The latest is that my brain is engaged in a circular “chicken or the egg” sort of thought pattern and there’s no reasoning a way out of it.

And it sounds something like …
am I still depressed -> i must be or i wouldn’t be feeling this way -> but i feel better than last week -> but I still dont’ feel right -> I must still be depressed -> but I feel better than last week..

..you get the picture.

There have been moments between yesterday and today when I’ve wanted to do something crazy like stab myself in the arm with a knife just so I can feel something. Or go out and rape some random man on the street. I think I need to be sedated like an elephant needing to be transported to an elephant sanctuary for it’s own safety and others. lol!