Digsite

I have heard of Anorexia Nervosa and Social Anorexia, but nobody ever warned me about a Anti-Depressant Drug Induced Anorexia.

This depression thing has taken me through a roller-coaster ride of emotions. And one thing I’ve learned (the hard way) is that when you feel bad enough, you will find the coping mechanism that works for you. Let’s just say, I think I found them all including starving myself. This went on for a week. You know you are in a bad place emotionally when NOT EATING sounds like a sensible method of relieving mental anguish.

So yeah, I barely ate anything for 4 days straight and for a couple days on either end I ate more but that was the transition period …I guess. Since this time, I guess my body got so used to not eating so much that I have cut out just about all the crap and overeating I had been doing for the last who-knows-how-long.

As of today I am down 7 lbs from the weight I had been for the last several months.

Hey, I’m not complaining.

BTW, I think my doc got me on the right anti-d now and things are beginning to look up for me.

I’ve been taken off this wonder drug at the start of the week already and put on something else but its effects are still wreaking domestic havoc at my house. It will be another two weeks before my system is free of this combustible energy source.

Last week, I was unable to sit still at my desk in the middle of the day. I kept having to stand up and sit down and take walks, etc. It was a good thing I was alone on my side of the dungeon (where I work). Now that energy level has died down but yesterday I let the beast out of its cage in all of it’s glory and I’m SO glad I called in sick because my coworkers would have probably called to get me committed if I had had to expend that much energy in my little 10×10 cubicle.

I woke up at 7am and after using the bathroom and seeing what was there (dog excrement everywhere) I became disgusted to an extent that I couldn’t function. I just HAD to stay home and clean the house. So I called in sick. I said I wasn’t feeling well, which isn’t a total lie because “disgust”, “nausea”, “horror”, and “mental paralysis” aren’t exactly adjectives one uses when one is feeling GOOD.

I cleaned for five (5) straight hours and at the speed I was working I probably completed the equivalent to 10 man hours of cleaning and I’M NOT DONE YET. But this might just hint at the exact condition of the house. I feel a little bad using a sick day to do this sort of thing but I just had to do it.

My husband has prozac to thank for his now clean house. At one point he said to me “I apprecate what you’re doing but aren’t you being a little obsessive?”. Hey, don’t complain, ok? You no longer have to step over things to get from the front door to the couch and your computer and video games.

The other day I was fidgety and pining for a reason to leave my desk. It’s times like those I wished I had some kind of addiction. If I were a smoker, I’d do an hour of work and then go out for a smoke.

But what kind of break do non-smokers get anyway? We don’t get to go outside and just sit there and blow imaginary smoke at the air and not look suspicious. I could get through my work day easier if I made some kind of deal with myself. A 10 minute break outside for every 50 emails answered. Deal? But then what the hell am I going to do outside? Blow bad breath fumes at the sky?

I wrote this post a while back. I wish the post had a timestamp but I can’t remember the exact date. I’d say… about 3 weeks ago. Enjoy the horror:

Right after I typed up my blog post on wednesday where I describe what the “Black Hole” is, I nearly had a some kind of panic episode.

It was late when I wrote it so when I was done, I just sat there on the couch facing the very dark foyer and the general direction of my bedroom. That area was very dark and I couldn’t see anything because only one lamp was on in the other side of the living room. I started to think about what I had just written and realized I never think about the black hole when I’m in the bedroom. Only when I’m out of it. And now that I had articulated it in such detail, could I go in there and not be freaked out by it?

Then just as I finished having that thought, I started to hear something so eerie and unnatural that it sent chills down my back and every hair on my body to stand on end. I felt paralyzed with fear by it. “…..moooommyyyyyy… ….mommmyyyyyyy….”. OMG, Stephen King couldn’t have made it sound any more goulish. I could have screamed out in terror and gone hiding behind my couch and corner table if I hadn’t realized what it was. My daughter.

But her voice sounded fearful and upsetting, like she was scared of something in her room. When I didn’t get up right away, her call got even more desperate, as if the monster had now stepped out of the closet and was stepping towards her. OMG, I just about passed out from the fear. I got my ass up from the couch because now she needed me, and I started walking into that darkness to see what she needed. There was no light, only a dim glow from the stove overhang light so I could see the edges of the walls and doors. I had to walk past my bedroom to get to hers and I felt like the door was a sleeping poltergeist about to reach out and grab me if I got too close. Knowing how ridiculous it was to think that didn’t make it any better. But I finally reached my daughter’s bedroom. She only wanted socks on her feet. That’s all. So I put socks on her feet and sat back down on the couch feeling drained, dumb, and concerned about myself. I had almost lost it.

Since that day I had been thinking about this black hole a lot more. When did it get there (or when did I create it in my mind). How long has it been there. When did I first start thinking about it this way. What’s the symbolism? Am I inside the hole or is it just there threatening to suck me in. I don’t think there is a physical black hole there, or course, it’s just a visual representation of all the negative emotions I have been having for a very long time. I have no idea how long I’ve thought of it like this (black hole). But one unidentified day I just realized it was there, but by then it had been there for a very long time. More than a year for sure. The feelings behind it for a lot longer. 2 years at least. More than that? Yes. Since J was 2 years old at least. That would be two years. And the seedlings were sprouting from the time she was born. Definitely. Like that anomaly in the space-time continuum that grew bigger as it traveled backwards in time for 20 years until Jean Luc Picard could fix it as an old man. Season Finale of season 7 of Star Trek -TNG.

Sigh… except this one’s been getting bigger with time, not smaller.

Hey, it works, ok?! I weighed myself yesterday and it seems I’ve lost 5 lbs. FIVE POUNDS!

In 7 years I haven’t lost a single ounce that hasn’t been from a placenta or the usual childbirth fluids. And now all of a sudden and without even trying, I lose 5 whole pounds.

How’d I do it you ask? Easy peasy! Just think of the most emotionally disturbing times of your past, dwell on them for a few months, have a couple kids, wait till your hormones are good and screwed and whatcha get?! Instant Diet.

Oh, and it helps if you try not to think about anything important for a good long time.

That’s right folks, AND IT’S FREE!

…..stop looking at me like that! :-/

When I went to Walgreen’s a few weeks ago with the kids to get Jada her precious M&M candies, I walked up and down the isles looking at stuff I probably didn’t need but might end up buying anyway. Jada sometimes grabs things from the shelves, shows them to me and then puts them back. I let her do it as long as she puts the stuff back.

Well as I was standing and staring at some of the stuff I probably didn’t need but that were calling out to me, like loofah sponges and foot cremes when she grabbed this little gem of an item from somewhere and started smearing it on her lips.

I was horrified. What was this shit. Shit? I mean, really. What is shit?!! At first I thought some kid playing a prank might have left it behind, but no … there was a stack full of them on display.

I took it from her and sniffed it. Nope, didn’t smell like shit. Then I put some on my lips. It actually smelled kind of mediciney. So I kept it because J didn’t want to put it back and I walked around the store with it in my hand and when I was done I payed for her candy and whatever else I threw in the cart. I didn’t realize I still had the chicken poop in my hand untill after I left. So I ended up stealing it. Wonderful lesson I taught my kid there! I hope she watched very carefully as I left with something that hadn’t been ringed up.

But the stuff is not bad actually. Who knew chicken poop could make lips so smooth.