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After I wrote my previous post last night, I was left worried. I was lying awake in bed thinking about it for a while. Would it scare people? I was being less than truthful about my feelings so that it wouldn’t scare people. But people get scared about that sort of thing no matter how you try to pussy foot around it.

I got into work this morning and reread it thinking that there might be some parts I should change about it. But I couldn’t find any part without making it an outright lie of a post. The only part that stuck out tho was “I was being dead serious”. Was being dead serious? Past tense. Not exactly right but I’ll leave it as-is.

Another thing about writing about all this that I have issue with since this all started to go down are the words used to describe this stuff. Two words in particular.

Depressed and Suicide.

The first sounds sadly inaccurate and the second too ugly.
Depressed sounds like saying “I’m a little pregnant” when you’re carrying sextuplets. And suicide is like a man using the words cunt or snatch when trying to describe something beautiful about the woman he loves.

So what words would I use instead? How about brain-gout and bad-chapter-fix respectively.

Because it feels like my mind is infected with some bacteria and is filled with puss. And the ‘S’ word feels more like a hastening of the end of this chapter and the beginning of another more quiet and devoid of pain.

And I’m going to apologize for the last time to people who might be freaked out by what I’m saying because I’m tired of feeling worried about it. All I’m doing here is just getting stuff off my chest, that’s all. It helps me think and sort things out. The purpose is not to alarm anyone. Instead the purpose is to get the thoughts OUT of my gout-brain and to lay them out somewhere I can look at them like a spectator for once instead of a participant.

thanks!