I don’t know if it’s the depression, the anti-depressants, or both duking it out, but my state of mind seems to change on an hour by hour basis. With weekends being an almost consistent low no matter the hour.
It’s amazing the amount of influence my husband has in how I feel and he doesn’t even know it. But he should know it. And I hope he reads my blog sometimes because my telling him doesn’t seem to have the right effect. All I need from him is to feel that he cares. He doesn’t need to “know what to say” or “know what to do”. It’s not magic and it’s not the complicated thing he thinks it is. He just needs to be there, be affectionate (sex or no sex - because it’s not about sex for me), and not be angry.
Where certain things used to have no effect on me before, they have the ability to crush me today. I have been so easily put down and my feelings so easily hurt that it’s agonizing. And it only takes one unkind word or act from him to send me spiraling down this abyss of self hate, guilt, and horribly negative emotions. Where thoughts of hurting myself abound and I think I will follow through one day. Ram my head into a wall. stab myself. Anything that would stop the mental pain. I didn’t know mental pain could be so much worse than physical.
I long for the times when I had the strength to say “FUCK YOU!!” and go on with my day.
My nerves have been stripped raw. But I wonder how that could be when I also have lost interest in the day to day simplicities of life? Some part of me is afraid to care about those things. The laundry. The dishes. Reading books to my kids. Cleaning up after them. Giving them baths. Washing my hair. And even more simple things feel wrong to me now like laughing at a funny movie. Or just laughing in general. None of those things have the same appeal.
The laughing is interesting. When I do laugh, immediately afterwards I feel like I did something wrong. Like it was fake and I just did something that went against nature and my state of mind at the time. Your guess is as good as mine.
My god this is so hard.
This is SO me. I could have written this, almost word for word. My husband holds the key and he either doesn’t give a fuck, or doesn’t know - or both. And it pisses me off.
hugs You really aren’t alone, Tania.
Reply to DawnOh sweetie, I SO absolutely KNOW what you are feeling and I just want you to know that there IS a bottom to the abyss and that you will climb out of it. And yes, hubbies hold such a huge piece in this process despite not understanding how much. Dawn is right. You are not alone and can always reach out to me if need be, kay?
Hang in there with the meds. Half life is about 3 weeks minimal on them . . . . .
Reply to knittingnurseThanks so much. Today makes 7 days. two weeks more seems like an eternity. I really hope it works because having to try another med would take forever. I really hope I have reached bottom because any deeper and I would drown.
Reply to Tania (digsite)Just hang in there honey, it’ll be worth it. You’ll see. Speaking from experience, you are at the worse of it (or at least it sounds like it) so just remember, it can only stay where you are at OR get better! Find the right drug, STAY ON IT once you feel better (again, speaking from experience) and you will not believe how different life can truly be.
Reply to knittingnursethx. you’re encouragement really means a lot to me.
Reply to Tania (digsite)