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I feel so fucking pissed off right now and I have no idea at what. Maybe it’s the fact that I slept for hours and hours and still feel tired. Maybe it’s the fact that my house is a mess and I’m tired of it. Maybe it’s the fact that I just cleaned a bathroom and I still get the coodies from it. I hate both our bathrooms. Maybe it’s the fact that I can’t get any quiet around here and have to spank and punish to get it and after all that I’m too pissed to enjoy it. Maybe.. awe fuck. Who the fuck knows. I just want to get garbage bags and throw everything into it. And throw out all the shit we have laying out everywhere. We wouldn’t miss any of it.

I continue to freecycle and it seems I’m still getting nowhere. We have too much SHIT! I cleaned out a lot of the garage over the weekend and it looks really good but not good enough. There’s still rat shit out there and garbage.

I think I just fucking hate my house.

.. And I have this urge to clean right now.. You’d think I was pregnant and nesting or something. But I’m just to lazy to start.

As for my blog, I had to jump thru a few hoops to get it working. php4 -> php5 obviously not always a smooth transition. But it’s working finally.

In other news. I have a visit with the head doctor in 3 hours. I always seem to find some way to be a nervous, self-concious wreck when I have an appointment with her. Not sleeping is a great way to do that too. This is supposed to be my last appointment with her. I know she’s going to ask if we’ve called any of those therapists for Jada. And I’m going to have to say no. But I need a refill for my meds so I can’t not go.

I’m tired of taking them too. I want to stop using them because it’s beginning to feel like I take a placebo every morning. Some fake drug to trick me into being positive. Problem is, I sortof did stop taking them during my vacation and it came back to bite me later. I guess I need to swallow my pride (if that’s what it is) and keep taking those fuckers for a while.

I’m slowly getting back into my “normal” frame of mind. Today I finally feel mo’ better. Of course, I just haaad to start getting a sore throat this morning. I really hope this is nothing more than allergy or something.

But anyway, I’m glad today is Saturday because I really need to dedicate a couple days to the house. It’s twice as bad as it was before vacation. We haven’t even unpacked yet. The suitcases are in the middle of the family room floor along with every other little piece of trash and toys the kids have thrown on the floor since we got back. LOTS of clutter.

Maybe next weekend I can go visit my grandmother in Miami. It’s been a while and she really wants to see the kids again. Sigh… still no vacation pics on the net yet for me to share with ya’ll. Soon tho.

I’m in the middle of moving my website to a new account. So brokenness may ensue.

I wrote a paper for college a long time ago where I had to do a lot of soul searching. I can’t remember what the paper was supposed to be about but I do remember that part of it was about what I felt humans (people) ultimately needed in their lives to be happy. The gist of what I said was love. People ultimately need love. At least that’s what I believed at the time. But that was naivety talking.

Today I think love alone isn’t enough. Today I think love without compassion and understanding is as hurtful as hate with malice. There can’t be much difference between those two things.

You’re lucky if you find a spouse who has no problems or baggage. Who is strong enough of character to work their own way thru their dilemas. Easy. But what if you have a spouse who occasionally needs more than your silent company? What would be more painful, you think. Having the person who claims to love you watch silently while you drown in pain without attempting to reach out to help you. Not even a helpful word to try to console you? Or would it be more painful to be a homeless, hungry wretch on the street while hundreds of strangers pass you by like you don’t exist?

Right. If you answered the second is more painful, then you’ve never experienced the first. And for someone with depression issues, which would be more likely to push that person over the edge?

Sometimes I KNOW I would be safer from those feelings if I led a solitary lifestyle.

So I woke up feeling way better so I decided to go out to the pharmacy to get some foot care products like razor blades and acid. But this outing turned into a hunt for new washer and dryer. (badly needed now that we have vomit soaked towels and rhea soaked jammies and bed sheets) Yeah, it’s real fun here at chez beauchea . So anyway, I overestimated how well I was doing because walking in public while dizzy with a crampy stomach was just a tad scary. Thankfully I closed the deal on a new dryer/washer after the only the second store. Could have been cheaper at Sears but I think I had enough.

I’m not so sure I can get back to work tomorrow.. Right now my stomach is crampy and I’m cold. My head hurts. Yadda… Sigh.

And I brought back more than souvenirs. It’s 3pm and this is the first time I’ve been able to sit up long enough to write something in here (or watch TV). Last night was a tag team race between my ass an my stomach to see which one could expel the most “waste”. At one point I had to get up from the can to turn around and give my stomach a turn. I didn’t do it soon enough. I was afraid my ass would decorate the walls. But my stomach did that instead. I still haven’t gotten enough energy to clean it up. Dennis won’t touch it of course.

Then I was so dehydrated all I could think of was water. My tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth but I couldn’t hold down the water either. I was able to drink about 6 glasses of water little by little between naps all day today. But the water is still only getting absorbed cuz only my ass has been getting points in the waste race.

Sigh… I have a fever. I think I got this from Maya because she had been refusing to eat anything the last 3 days and spitting up a lot. Something she hadn’t done since she was less than a year old. I’m feeling cold, clammy, achy, dizzy, and sleepy. My fever is at 101 F. It must have been around 103 earlier at least because I’m not feeling as cold as I was.

But besides all this, our vacation was fun. We saw a lot, did a lot, the kids had fun. We got a room upgrade to a one bedroom and it had a washer and dryer, full kitchen, big ass tub which me and the kids got in the first hour there. The trip also had it’s high stress moments. Sortof expected when you travel with two little kids. But it was so interesting to see Jada’s outgoing personality in full gear. She introduced herself to everybody. I mean EVERYBODY. Total strangers at the park, the bus drivers, our hotel neighbors, the cleaning crews, Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Stitch too. LOL! She had an awesome time.

Sigh, I’m beginning to feel like ass again. Time for another nap.