digsite

I read something today that said only you can make yourself happy in a marriage, not the person you’re married to. So my depression last year, although it had been brewing for years before then, may have been triggered from the fact that the person I was leaning on had fallen down. Somewhere in my subconscious, I may have detected this and gone tumbling down as well. I don’t know. This might all be shit. Maybe I’m grasping at straws. But at the end of the day I discovered that our house wasn’t the only thing that was a mess. Maybe all these physical distresses I have going on with my skin and everywhere else right now is just another symptom of the mess in my head. The mess in his head. The mess between us. Whatever.

But now what’s the next step? I know how I can pick myself up the quickest. And that’s to start all over again. Alone. And learn to make myself happy without leaning on anyone else. But everything that I’ve read that says “put the children first” would imply that I should not try to start all over again alone. This isn’t dissimilar to a doctor having to make the decision to either cure the patient by amputating the gangrenous limb, or try to cure the limb with penicillin and hope the infection doesn’t spread and kill the patient. Is it more important that the patient live, or that the patient live with all of his limbs? That depends on how important that limb is to the patient.

If he’s an athlete, he may prefer to die rather than to live without all of his limbs. But if he’s not, then he may just want to live at whatever the cost. In my case, would I sever the faulty “limb” and create a new life? Or try to repair my “limb” at the risk of losing my sanity and my self respect?

But again, I’m not thinking about the children. Those sensitive little beings who’d be so utterly devastated over the loss of the gangrenous limb. The limb they love so much. Despite all of it’s disease. That brings me to another saying… “kids rarely choose what’s good for them.”

Read into that what you will.