Digsite

A sleepless night usually precedes a weird day.   I fell asleep on the couch after my last post and woke up around 8am.  Jada was already sitting in the living room by then.   I got up and made her breakfast. 2 scrambled eggs and a waffle.  Then I got maya up and made her a pancake.   Then Jada wanted a pancake too so I made her one and she ate it all.  She was hungry today.   For lunch, I made them macaroni and cheese, hotdog, and fried plantains.   It’s what was avaliable.  Jada ate all hers and had extra fried plantains on top of it.   She was hungry today.   I passed out in bed at around 3pm I think.  Then I remember hearing Dennis put the kids down for a late nap.   (He should have left them up).  So I woke up at 8pm and found that they were STILL down for this nap.

It’s 11:30pm and they’re still sleeping.  I just hope tomorrow doesn’t turn into a weird day too because of this odd sleep schedule.

I did do a lot of cleaning up today.  I’m tired.  I should probably take a sleeping pill and go to bed.

Btw, I have an extra kid’s dresser.  Let me know if anyone is interested.  I’ll sell it for about $50.

Over and out.

I haven’t been able to sleep tonight at all.  There is a disturbance in the force that is making waves in my newfound diversion idea.    Well, at least I think that’s what’s keeping me up.    I do have bouts of insomnia now and again.   So it could just be a coincidence.   But anyway,  I’m trying to keep the faith here.

I’m at the last step of my application with the Australian shepherd rescue and placement helpline (arph).  Now ain’t that cute?   And the last step is the home visit.   I honestly don’t feel like I have anything to worry about.   But as with any of our previous and rare visits to our house, I am turning into a perfectionist pain in the ass (to myself).  And am knitpicking at every little thing around the house.

I created something I call “layers” tonight (last night).   It had really been in the works for a while (another one of my products of anality).   I made the kids participate and they seemed to enjoy it.

Layer #1 was Trash.    I had the kids pick up every piece of trash they could find and throw it out.  There wasn’t much around.

Layer #2 was Dishes.   And the kids helped me gather all the dishes they could find and put them all in the sink.   There’s always some of that around.

Layer #3 was Laundry.   So they picked up some stuff and put it in a basket.

Well by this point it was bedtime and they went to bed.   But if you’re curious, the remaining “layers” were mail/paper, and toys.    I think the biggest clutter comes from stuff I have stacked that are still getting freecycled, and furniture from Jada’s half done room.  Ok…  tangents…

So I’m still up.  Watching some bad as hell movie.   Gawd! it’s bad.   “Cat People”  from 1982.   Jesus.

J will be up in another 2 hours.  I might as well stay up till D gets up.  Then when I can’t function anymore, I’ll sleep.

русский текст поддержка придет!

russion language support is coming!

It’s taken me 3 days to finish this post because I keep falling asleep at the keyboard.  Damned Turkey.

So I was at a really low point 3 nights ago.  Close to as low as I’ve been in the last few months minus a modicum of hope.  Meaning, I felt very grim but still with a bit of hope that things could change.  I explained to Dennis the nature of my problem.   A problem I’ve been living with now for about a year.   To put it in two sentences, I have been finding it hard to stay focused on the good in life.  All I can think of is how I’ll end up dead no matter how I live my life, so why bother living it and enduring all of the ugly things in it?  It doesn’t help to feel guilt that my kids aren’t enough to make me happy and give me a ton of enthusiasm.

I think I decided that the source of my pessimism is loneliness.  I have no one left I can tell my woes to, who will listen without passing judgement, and who genuinely cares.  I’ve been trying to rebuild that with Dennis, but that will take a very long time.  Even when things look great on the surface, there is always the voice of deeds past ready to muddy it and tell me he doesn’t care about me.  That’s probably the ugliest part of my life right now.  I spend a great deal of my waking hours treading in this mud so whenever there is something that threatens to help me out of it, I latch on.

Afterall, happiness isn’t just going to descent upon me like some miracle.  I’m going to need to DO something.  You might think, if friends is what you think you need, they why not just go out and make friends?   But with as pessimistic as I’ve been, I find it very hard to open myself up to people.  Especially new people to make new friends.  I’ve always sucked at that anyway.   Which brought me to wonder about how I was able to make the few great friends I’ve had in the past.   Not many, but VERY good friends.

I’ve never been able to find my childhood friend Joseanne.  I do remember how that one started.  That’s a post all on its own.  I can’t remember how I made the high school best friend, Patty, who found me on facebook recently.   But I remember how Warren practically forced his friendship on me in college.   I don’t expect anyone to do that now.   Then Noel and I just sortof fell into friendship.  We got along very well, and we worked together which kindof forced us to be together and build that friendship.  So if I’m not forced to be in the same place with someone over a long period of time, or someone doesn’t force their friendship on me, I wont’ make friends.   That’s about right for the most part.

But maintaining these old friendships, or rekindling them, doesn’t seem easy to me either.  I feel like I’m too doom and gloom to try. Would I ruin any possibility of being friends with Patty again if I tried now?  As unagreeable as I think I am?  Noel won’t talk to me anymore.   I posted something about that a while back.  Then there’s Warren.  He’s always been available.   But I’ve always not been.  I’m always too angry, too busy, or too tired.

So I think if I put myself in a social situation.  Start a new hobby or something that involves spending time with other people, I might get out of my funk.  Lately I have been super excited over the idea of getting a new dog and then entering into obedience training classes and maybe even getting into dog agility training.  I’ve always thought that was a cool sport.  Part of me is telling me that I’ll try it and then drop it like everything else (photography, video blogging, piano, community website).  But the other part is saying, It won’t hurt to try so why not give it a shot.

So I think I might give it a shot.    I’m hoping I find a niche of people who I might relate to, who don’t sit around talking about their interior design or some stupid mommy’s class.   I had already tried the Boca Moms groups a few years ago, but I just couldn’t connect with those women.

So I think I’ve found the next diversion.   I’ve already found 3 places within driving distance that do dog obedience and agility training.   It’s affordable, and I can do it on the weekend, or after work if I get a babysitter.  Next step, finding a dog.

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Before Scully died, I was fed up with the dogs. Bullet always escaping under the fence. Both of them relieving themselves in the house. After Scully died on Tuesday, I felt we would just be a one dog household. One day after she died, I felt we had to get a second dog… someday not too far away, but someday maybe in the next year. Two days after she died I started feeling like we needed to fill the empty void right away, and I’ve been looking at dogs online nonstop for the last 48 hours.

I don’t know what the “norm” wait time is between dogs, I just know what I’m feeling now.

After Indiana died (and that was devestating for me) I never felt I could have another african grey. I still haven’t gotten another, and don’t think I ever will get another. I love those birds, but I just don’t feel I can do it again. I felt a lot of guilt over her death. I invested a whole lot into that bird and I can’t have another unless I’m prepared to do that again.

But here I am, wanting another dog and I wouldn’t mind going to visit a dog rescue after work. Am I nuts? Dennis thinks I am. I just don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I don’t think I’m trying to replace scully. I was looking at jack russells for 5 minutes and that was pretty painful. I want a big dog next.

It’s looking like Scully ate rat poison.

Tania,

I am not in the office today but I wanted to touch base with you. I recieved the blood test
results on Scully.  It appears, based on the test results, that Scully may have been
poisoned with an anticoagulant, such as found in rat poison. The blood tests show the
organs, such as liver and kidneys were normal, however, coagulation results were off the
charts which is typically seen with rat poison intoxication. We will know better once the
biopsy result comes back. If it comes back as a hematoma, it could have formed
secondary to the bleeding disorder. I will call you when I get the biopsy results back.

Dr. Jaffe

Then I asked if she could have been poisoned the day I noticed something was wrong, or if it could have happened the week prior when she got out of the yard and was found around the corner eating out of someone’s garbage.

Tania,

It is highly likely that is where Scully got the poison. It typically takes
2-3 days after ingestion before any clinical signs appear. Labwork would not
show abnormalities until then.  Since labwork typically takes 24-48 hours to
get back, it can usually be too late for treatment by that time. The best
case scenario is to know that the dog ate rat poison, induce vomiting and
start Vit K1 immediately to reverse the anticoagulation effects of the
poison. I gave a Vitamin K1 injection after drawing the bloodwork when
Scully came back in but even then it appears it was too late. The amount
ingested also has an effect on how severe the bleeding is.
We will know for sure that it wasn’t cancer when the biopsy comes back but
all indications so far support rat poison or some other anticoagulant
poison.
I am so very sorry for your loss. We all loved Scully a lot.

Dr. Jaffe

Btw, I recommend this doc to anyone.  This guy is the best and he will sit and explain things to you without making you feel like you’re wasting his time.   I wish I could find a people doctor like him.  He took care of Scully since 1999.