Digsite

Dont’ even know what I’m going to post about here other than TODAY SUCKS.   I don’t know how I ended up staying up so late.  I literally looked at the time expecting to see 11:something pm and it was after 3am.  It was surprising even for me.

So maybe the lack of a full night’s sleep has somethign to do with it but I feel all kinds of shitty today. My posture is bothering me.  I feel like I have a stack of bricks on my shoulders. I also feel very jumbled up in the brain.  I have a dark dust cloud swirling around and around and nothing is coming out.  I have things I can identify I had to do, but can’t seem to form any logical sequence of todos from any of it.  Today sucks.

I’m getting close to feeling that I need a long weekend again.  Maybe 1 or 2 days off to … I dunno… think.  Or rest.  Or just not think.   Whatever.  Today just sucks.

I remember being in a class once where the teacher was trying to explain that if you want to get a lot of different sized objects into a container, you’d need to start with the largest first.   I can’t remember the school, or the teacher, or the subject.   But she took a jar full of rocks of all sizes poured it out onto her desk.   She then asked a student to come up and try to put it all back in.   She had them start with the smallest rocks first, but of course it wouldn’t all fit.     Then she dumped it all out again and demonstrated how it had to be done.  She put the biggest rocks in first then the smaller ones were able to fit into the gaps between the bigger rocks, and so on.  It all fit in.

Today I’m finding that a similar rule applies in the reverse with me when it comes to getting things OUT of my head.  GTD works for getting things out, but only if you stick with it.   I’ve been working on it, but they say it usually takes 2 yrs to “get it” and I think I’m reaching the end of year one so I’m still hitting some obstacles here and there.

The problem of late is that Tuesday mornings usually turn into a big mess for me because of the backlog of email I have to deal with before I can do any real work.  So I logged on last night (my sunday) and cleared a lot of it out.  I still have 50 emails today and projects that need movement, but I seemed unable to break free of thinking about the one BIG thing weighing me down (a personal matter I’ve been avoiding) to the point that I could focus on work related things.  I must not be like most people because I require precise order and clarity before I can feel really good about what I’m doing.   I rarely get to that zen state so you can imagine how I normally operate.  I almost got there last week tho, but this process is a 2 step forwards and 1 backwards deal.    Reminds me of giving birth.    Anyway….

So here I was with this big rock in my head hogging up the doorway to removal.  LOL!  like a turd.   Then I finally decided to open freemind and get a mind map going on this in the hopes I can figure it out, get it outta my head, and move on with other smaller rocks.    NOW I can focus on work!   But next….  lunch!

I’m 37 today.  I remember when I turned 27 and thought “omg, like wtf?  ynwim?”  I felt old.  Now  at 37 I’m beginning to wonder how many more years I have to live.  Am I passed the halfway point?  If the answer is no, does that mean I’ll be in “elder-care” when I’m that old?

Anyway, what I originally started this post about was what I spent the entire weekend doing.  PERFECTING a piano piece which, even when I’ve got it “perfect” it will never be perfect.   I wonder how serious musicians ever crank anything out if they are this way.  There must be some serious sound chopping and dicing that goes on because there’s no way anything live could sound like it does on the radio.  I’m not satisfied with anything I’ve heard and I’m only doing it for fun. The first one I put out sucked ass.  But it served as a hell of a motivator for me.

So anyways…   there it is.

I did some serious crying this morning before work, then discovered a pretty big fuck up I made at work yesterday. But I still feel good right now. I guess when you’re day goes this bad, there’s no direction left to go but up. Of course that doesn’t mean I won’t be feeling like shit again in another 30 minutes. But I think I’ll just savor the moment for what it’s worth.

I’ve been doing some serious changes in how I keep myself organized at work and at home.  Looking passed todays fuck up tho, I feel like I’m beginning to reach a place where my mind isn’t as big of a jumbled mess of forgotten todo’s as it had been just last week. The more forgotten todo’s there are, the bigger the turmoil in my mind. I’ve been immersing myself into GTD and listening to tons of podcasts on the subject.  I still have the book which I should probably start reading again. I also signed up to gtdconnect.com to check it out. Thankfully the trial didn’t require giving them my CC info or I wouldn’t have done it. There’s no way I’m paying $40/month for it. So far I’m unimpressed with it but I also haven’t spent a lot of time on the site. The community is what’s most important to me and I think I can get that without gtdconnect.

Anyway, between omnifocus, thinking rock, and my iphone, I’ll satisfy my need for uber anality.

Ok, I need another post today to get this shit off my mind, or I won’t sleep tonight.

It just fucking amazes me, and pisses me off, that I’m unable to NOT obsess over shit. Really, why can’t I just let the shit lie and rot where it lay?!! My mind is a magnet for negativity, like rubber picks up lint. Like black shirts pick up cat hair.

What is it in some human minds, including mine, that make a person think they can help to alleviate mental pain, by inflicting physical pain? Not anything I’m doing.. it’s just thoughts. I’m thinking.. my mind takes these detours and I’m trying to make sense of it. But anyways… I think I’m going to close my browser in a minute and just get up, turn on the heater and make some tea.

Anyway, lemme twist it up by throwing in that I’ve been SO into GTD lately. ..again.. I’ve listened to so many goddamn podcasts on productivity. Merlin Mann strikes me as a completely egomaniac, but he’s funny as shit. If shit were funny, that is.. Anyway. I think I’ve memorized all of David Allen’s jokes and buzz words. “..uncranked widgets next to a widget cranking machine… “. I think if my life were reduced to a bunch of uncranked widgets next to a widget cranking machine, I’d be bored to fucking death. I think some turmoil is good for you.

Work turmoil, is good.
Chores turmoil, is good.

It’s everything else that sucks.

It’s been a while since I posted a real how-I-feel post. I think digesting everything I get from my weekly therapist sessions and the outlet I get from a little bit here and there has been enough to diffuse my need for one of these posts..

On Sunday of last week, I got pissed off. I don’t know at what so all I could do was speculate. I thought it was Dennis, maybe it was the kids. Maybe I was having what I used to get every month during my period. PMS. But since getting an IUD more than a year ago, I haven’t had a period so I could only guess. I figured just because you don’t bleed, doesn’t mean your body doesn’t go thru a monthly cycle of some kind, right? But those last a day, maybe two.

So here I am, day 8 and I’m still feeling like my nerves are scraped raw. The only time I feel normal is when I’m completely alone, or the kids are behaving. This even spilled into work last week, but to my surprise my corworkers were great. Almost makes me want to cry.

Yesterday I was feeling alright I guess. I thought maybe this weekend would go well, but this afternoon went from good to bad to come rescue the kids. Dennis has taken the kids out and thankfully I’m calm and alone right now. Still have a heavy mind. I don’t know wtf is up with me. I decided to look up the meds I started taking last week for my ear infections. I found this “agitation, confusion, unusual thoughts or behavior”. I went aha! Until I realized all meds seem to have this listed as a side effect.

But anywayss.. I hope this funk doesn’t last much longer, because I’m about to throw my ass off a bridge or something. If the meds do have something to do with it, I have another 3 days of this shit. But somehow I doubt that could be it. Anyway, hopefully this too shall pass.