Digsite

I think this change in meds has brought back the anger in me.  I had a big anger problem before I started anti-d’s and now it’s coming back.   Short temper with the kids, random things setting me off throughout the day at work and on the road.  I don’t show it, but the anger is still there, steaming.  It also has been interesting for me to note that anger and jealousy seem to feed off each other.  Something that would normally not trigger jealousy in me is doing so now that my anger is a bit out of control.   I don’t like myself when I’m angry.   And neither do my kids, I’m sure.  I am NOT a pleasant mom when I’m angry.  When I’m short tempered with the kids, I usually feel guilty about it afterwards.  Guilt begets depression and depression begets anger for me.   Bad cycle.  I hate to blame it all on the meds, tho, but it’s hard not to when you know that certain meds can ‘fix’ my anger easily.

There’s one area of my life that is the opposite tho.  I feel very relaxed, and have a general sense “I-don’t-care” about it but I think that might just be a side effect of anger.  Angry enough you just say “fuck it.  It is what it is and I’ll be fine no matter what the jerk does.”  Lol,  I’m not really decided on that one, tho.  Maybe officially becoming middle-aged has strengthened the ‘fuck it’  muscle within me.  And I’m talking about the attitude, not any body part. 

Anywho, onto lists…   I’ve found something that works for me – so far.   I sit down and figure out what I want to get done either on the day of, or the day before I want to get it done.  I set it up all pretty on Things for the Iphone (or desktop).  Then I let it be the boss and I just do as I’m told.  Seems to work…  unless I completely forget about Things, which has happened.   Baby steps.

Man, today has been hard.  After work I had the choice of either going shopping for much needed clothes or going straight home to do laundry.  It was a toss up for me because I hate both equally as much.   But I decided it would cut down on the amount of stress in the mornings if I got some of the laundry situation under control. We have baskets and baskets filled with clean clothes as well as closet fulls of dirty laundry . Unfortunately, tho, as soon as I got home I became exhausted.  I had zero energy to draw upon to do what I had planned so I just sat on the couch constantly nodding off just waiting for it to be 9pm so I could put the kids to bed.

This whole situation felt pretty bad to me.  I felt guilty the whole time I was nodding off on the couch.  I kept fighting back the urge to call myself a failure.  I kept having to take deep breaths to calm my chest.  It was just not a pleasant time.  I felt like the exhaustion had more to do with procrastination than it did a real physical state.  I didn’t understand what the issue was.  I kept wanting to blame Dennis for half this mess.  I’m not a housewife, afterall.   Rattling in my head was a lot of “why should I feel like it ALL rests on my  shoulders?”  The thought made me angry.  There might be some truth in that which I may have to address at a later time, but I think the main reason I was even thinking it at that moment was avoidance.

And a more important question I had rattling around that I thought should be answered first is this; Why was I able to clean half the bathroom without choking but now I can’t even fold laundry at all?  Why does laundry seem too overwhelming to cope with right now?!   The first tangible difference is that I gave myself easy todo’s with the bathroom: “put towels in basket”, “grab cleaner and scrub sink”, “sweep floor”, etc.   Easy. And there isn’t much thinking left to do when it came down to it.  Tired or not, I knew exactly what I had to do and each task literally only took minutes or even seconds.   With the laundry, on the other hand, I didn’t give myself any written todo’s.  It was just one big fat mental todo that went “Do all the laundry”.     “Do all the laundry” is a pretty big undertaking and it can be broken down into too many pieces spanning over days, so expecting myself to “Just tackle the monster” wasn’t fair on me at all.  Why hadn’t I made a list when the bathroom list worked so well?   Habit.

So I fired up Things and instantly identified my mental block.  Monster obstacle #1 (aka todo #1) for me is where in the hell am I going to fold the laundry? The usual place is stacked with toys and clutter. The kitchen table has computers and mail on it, the couches are not at all a comfortable place to do it. So…. I choke.  I dont’ know how to move forward!  Any ‘normal’ person would just throw a clean bed sheet on the bed and do it there, but not me.  It takes me hours to come up with that one.  I have become a chronic procrastinator; a professional choker; a queen of inaction and it’s going to take a lot of sweat to break thru that existence.  This is what I face.

My brain is battling and undermining itself at every turn. Throwing wrenches at its own gears as a form of self punishment.  Not fun.

I was asked today why I looked sad.  The correct answer is that I was concentrating on something very intently at that moment.  Maybe I look too serious when I’m concentrating and it can be mistaken for sadness, who knows.   But “you look so serious” has followed me since I was a kid.  My default expression has always been like that.  I can’t help it.

But that question got me thinking..    was I more morose today than normal?  Is there something eating at me that I’m not aware of?   The correct answer is no and no.  My life took a turn the day my drug doctor told me I have ADHD.  I’m sure people are tired of hearing about this by now, but I’m not tired of talking about it  …yet.   Literally I feel like I have a new life to live now. One where I understand myself far better than I ever had before.  Immediately following the visit with the doctor, I was happy – very happy.  I knew that I had found what I needed – a reason and a method for changing certain things about myself I had been struggling with too long. Namely the procrastination, the lack of motivation, the beating myself up at every turn, the problems socializing and relating to others.    I think now that I don’t have to blame myself for those things, I can finally put the bad feelings aside and do what’s necessary to get out of the rut.  But all these feelings and thoughts are useless to me unless I put them into action.   And last night I decided it was time.

My biggest handicap has always been my relentless quest towards organizational bliss.  I want to get organized. I want my daily life to be seemless and easy.  I want to know where everything is, and I want to know what comes next – all the time.  Perfectionism at its worst.  Crippling.  So I decided to start small and push the rest out of my head.  And pushing things out of my head has become so much easier to me these days.  Maybe it’s the meds, who knows.

So I made a list with 4 things on it. Four to-dos for cleaning the bathroom Then at 2am, after much delay, I got my ass up and completed them.  It was an exercise in self-regulation, and it hurt.  It was so hard for me to follow my own list; to put one foot ahead of the other and do it.   This is where Dr. Pychyl‘s voice pops into my head saying things like “The road to success is lined with perspiration, not inspiration” and “Just get started” and “don’t give in to feeling good”.   So I completed those things on my list and made another short list for work.  Doing IDS cases comes easy. You don’t have to think. Not much self regulation required there.  So I made a list for things that I have become bad at.  Keeping up with my email, reading the blog, checking the pulse of my projects.

I got to work and made myself follow those 4 tiny todo’s.  It wasn’t hard at all. I felt motivated.  The previous night’s success had shown me that altho the process can be painful,  I could still control myself and do what I didn’t want to do – just because I say so!  This felt good.   But there was a pull in the opposite direction today that I was very aware of (hence the no and no answer, to not being aware of it).  My old procrastination had manifested itself in a failure – one project dashed.  Not having been able to complete it was the failure.  Then I had to write down how many hours I spend on certain things.  There were things on a list and I looked at them.  I am not part of any of them.  None.   That also felt like a failure.  The important thing to note here, tho, is that I didn’t think of myself as the failure.   Instead, the behavior and what they led up to are the failure.   That was the pull in the other direction.  I had to keep putting the failures out of my head, tho. And that was hard because of the number of times I found myself having to do it while I had no do it..  Bad feelings begets nothing good.

I’m not defeated.  I’m still moving forward.  I will deal with negativity all my life. Everyone does.  My own negativity towards myself had always been the biggest threat.  Externalizing the failure and knowing the reason for my behavior is the success.  Ooh-rah!

This is years old, but I just discovered that another blogger gave me a mention in one of her entries.

Shout-outs to Some Damned Kewl Coder-Geeks!

It’s almost as cool as when my fatblog got a mention on blogher.   Too bad I abandoned the fatblog tho.  I think I’m going to import the entries to this blog and either make the fatblog a test blog (accessible only to me) or just delete it entirely.  Maintaining the two blogs is a pain.  I think I’d do better with just one.

I need to declutter my life and (perceived) responsibilities!!

Again, old, but still makes me wanna do a little dance around my laptop.

Welp, it’s my birthday today and I turned 38.   Jesus, I have only 2 years left in this decade.  40 is going to be like the beginning of going downhill.  After that I think the following decades are going to be as impacting on how I and the world sees me as 1 vs 10 was and 10 vs 20 was.  It’ll growing up in reverse.  Growing down.

But despite all that morbidity I just spewed out my finger tips, I have been feeling good lately and I have switched a little from identifying with the negative to identifying with the positive.

Ever since my drug doctor switched my meds, even thru the withdrawal and readjustment period, I have been feeling more alert and clear.   I told her I feel as if I’m waking up from some semi-conscious state.  “As if I’ve really been a walking zombie all this time”, I told her. And she nodded in a way that told me she has heard all of this before from other patients.  For a couple years now I’ve been living without motivation of any kind.  My only motivation or mission had been to try to get to a state where I could get motivation.

Now I feel as if something within me is waking up and stirring around.  Whatever it is, it’s fragile.  It’s so easy for me to start with the negative self-talk.  But I keep shooting it down.  It’s better if I don’t think at all and just relish in this feeling of alertness.  I’m so scared I’m going to lose it that I’m leery of writing it in here.  I still have issues thinking straight and remembering things from one moment to another.  I keep forgetting what I was doing at work and words keep escaping me so I can’t express myself the way I intend to.  For the longest time, I called this the ‘brain fog’.  I believed I could have Candidiasis because of my tinnea issue on my feet and the brain fog everyone with Candidiasis complains of.  But I lacked so many of the things they said they had to deal with.

But I digress……   feeling like I have the right diagnosis has given me such a boost of hope.  Maybe that’s part of what I have stirring around in there.  Hope and an urge to change what hasn’t changed in a long long time.  Both personal and not.

Well, my weekend is over and I’ve spent it barefoot and in the same pair of pajama pants I put on Saturday night.  There are important things I could have done like laundry, sweeping, shopped for clothes to wear at my sister’s wedding, or filling out Maya’s registration papers for school, but I didn’t.  Instead, I spent the entire time working on LivePress and learning about http headers,  learning how to formulate a good user-agent string, and editing & testing a 3rd party xmlrpc library D found on the net.  This library is old (2005) so it still passed references to variables despite the warnings instituted in PHP 5.3.0,.  I changed those and it seems to work, but of course now I’m worried about the security of said library.  If it’s that old, I can’t say I can trust it.

Aside from the above, I got caught up with the emails and processed the 6 bug reports I hadn’t read yet on google code and answered a couple support forum posts.

Man, abandoning a responsibility like that weighs heavy on me.  It isn’t until I work on it that I feel the heaviness lift and wonder why I waited so long.   My problem is I do all or nothing.  I either abandon it completely, or it’s all I do morning and night.  I just don’t know what the next step is for me to change that.   I think I have a better understanding of what makes me be this way and I didn’t think that the knowledge of it was helping me make different choices this weekend.  But now that I’m sitting here reflecting, I know that it did help.

First, I didn’t get AS obsessed as I normally do.  For example, I was able to watch the kids and interact with them without losing my temper – even when they were interrupting something important.  I was able to take a few minutes break to give them a bath – minus the laptop – and make them dinner – minus the laptop.  I didn’t feel AS bad about spending my time on one thing as I normally would.   I kept telling myself that what I _was_ doing was just one of the many things I had been putting off for far too long and the fact that I was doing it was a positive thing.  Soon I would be able to check it off the list and establish some daily or weekly schedule for keeping it maintained.     I realize fixing the things I want to fix will take time so I will do one item at a time.  I still have that urge to bang it all out yesterday, but good habits aren’t formed that way.  I’ve had to remind myself at least once why LivePress became so abandoned again.  <analogy ahead>  I think I pressed the gas so incredibly hard that my engine blew out.  And it took almost a full year for that engine to become repaired.  And I reminded myself that I don’t want to blow out my engine.  <insert sexual innuendo here>

So I’m not sure what the next step is, but I’m going to figure it out.  (how’s that for positive thinking, eh?)