Digsite

Welcome to the next installment of ..   <insert echo effect here> “Exploring ADHD!” <remove echo effect> I actually wrote this last week, but I kept putting off the hitting of the publish button.

First I need to vent just a little about something I’ve been noticing a lot after having gotten this diagnosis.   And it’s that it seems like EVERYBODY AROUND ME HAS ADHD!!    This makes me wonder if ADHD is over diagnosed, or if ADHD is a true epidemic.  Which is it?

I already knew at least 3 other people in the building besides myself who suffered from things like depression.  But now I have discovered 3 more people in the building who have ADHD.    So I think one of two things is happening in the building.   Either ADHD is over diagnosed (and I don’t believe these three people have been misdiagnosed at all), or smart people with similar flaws will just gather near large clusters of computer hardware as if guided by some supernatural force.  I’m only half-kidding about that last one.     A handful of family members also seem to be coming out of the woodwork.  You could say that this is all OK because misery loves company but that statement would imply that I’m experiencing misery.  Oddly, I’m experiencing quite the opposite.   Even for someone who’s not convinced.

But..  back to my reason to blog.  Which is to make reason out of the ailment of the season. If you don’t care about it, you’ll be charged with high treason.   Let’s suck out that brain fog bison with a dyson.  And put our dukes up and fight it like Tyson.  Don’t forget to drink your green tea hyson.   Sigh…

First of all, ADHD is a neuro-behavioral disorder with which you’re either born with a propensity to develop later, or you’re just born with.  There is no such thing as adult onset of ADHD.   At first this little fact was a big red flag for me because nobody ever mentioned ADHD to me as a kid, or afaik, to my parents.  But the more I thought of it and read up on what ADHD really is and what it isn’t, the more I started to see a connection.  I spent a large chunk of my time at school daydreaming and staring out the windows.  As I search my memories tho, I remember some evidence of truly disruptive and impulsive behavior as well. The timeline isn’t very clear to me, but if I had to guess, it would be something like this:

Nursery school & preschool (I remember both) :  super shy, was horrible talkign to other human children.

K: can’t remember much except for being acused by a girl named Daisy that I had pulled her hair one day.  No, I didn’t, thankyouverymuch!

1, 2: usually zombie, hard to pay attention.
3,4: still shy, but could be a bit disruptive at times.
5,6,7,8 more zombie but with one or two friends this time. Miami Vice kept the blood flowing towards the tail end.

Impulsivity

I will never forget what I did in 2nd grade for which I was punished by being put back in a 1st grade class for a week. I opened my teacher’s can of juice in the back of the class, where we kept all our lunches, and laid it on its side.  The liquid ran out and slowly made its way to the front of the class where the teacher discovered it and got royally pissed off.

Things like this were very rare, however.  I never jumped out of my chair, never hit the other kids, and never got into fights.  But impulsiveness looks different from kid to kid.  I think my impulsivity issue may have been with my mouth instead. There were times I just wouldn’t shut up. I even chanted something offensive about one of our teachers while we were in line on our way up to class. Nobody ever said anything to me about that. Were they too used to it? I can’t remember. In 3rd grade I got in trouble for mocking my teacher in the auditorium right in front her and the rest of the class.  Another time, I told a classmate that she was a “fucken! asshole!” during recess while we were standing right next to a teacher and a nun (it was catholic school). I thought this stuff was funny, tho. But that humor only lasted until I was reprimanded for it. As the years passed, I got better at shutting up.. I think.  (my coworkers today might want to challenge that, tho).

Inattentiveness

If I had to pick a period in my life that would best illustrate what happens when you lose interest easily and have little drive, it would have to be my years at University.   If I was interested enough in the subject matter, then I could pay attention intently, take notes,  and learn while *inside* the classroom.  This was rare for me.  My attention span was questionable, but one class I do remember succeeding at was an optional World Religions course that I LOVED.  I was excited to the Nth degree about this class and even recorded every one of the lectures so I could compare it with my notes from home and fill in anything I may have missed.  And I did it with pleasure. I’ve always been able to succeed in things I am incredibly interested in. This must be how I grew up with the notion that “I can do anything that I want to do. And do it well.” I explained to a therapist a while back that I didn’t know where that self-confidence went. How and why did I lose it? The truth is I never did lose it. It’s still there, but what I didn’t realize before is that it comes with a condition; only if I’m interested enough.

Back in school, more often than not lessons were not learned until I got home and read the chapters on my own.  If something was boring, my mind would keep wandering and a 5 page read could easily take me 2 hours.  It was hard to keep focus unless I was under extreme pressure.  Ie, if I had an exam the next day,  I’d put on a huge pot of coffee, pop the Nodoz, and cram all night long.  It was usually just enough studying to get me a passing grade.   Had my dad threatened to cut me off if I didn’t finish school quickly, I may have finished sooner, or dropped out.

After about the 2 year mark, I started registering for classes and dropping them because I knew I couldn’t pass them if they didn’t interest me or were to boring.  I took Statistics for Computer Science 3 times with the SAME boring teacher (because there was no other) before I finally knew I had to pass or I wouldn’t graduate.  I took Calculus II twice.  This class didn’t interest me the first time and I failed.  The second time with new teacher, I loved it and passed with an A.   At the 4 yr mark I started working 35-40 hours a week and became a part time student.  I also took a couple semesters off when my oldest brother became sick with brain cancer.  A 4 year program took me 8 years to complete.  This little fact used to embarass me.  But for some reason now it doesn’t.  :’-)

If I have ADHD, at least then I can tell myself that it didn’t happen because I was stupid, slow, or lazy.