Digsite

Welp, it’s my birthday today and I turned 38.   Jesus, I have only 2 years left in this decade.  40 is going to be like the beginning of going downhill.  After that I think the following decades are going to be as impacting on how I and the world sees me as 1 vs 10 was and 10 vs 20 was.  It’ll growing up in reverse.  Growing down.

But despite all that morbidity I just spewed out my finger tips, I have been feeling good lately and I have switched a little from identifying with the negative to identifying with the positive.

Ever since my drug doctor switched my meds, even thru the withdrawal and readjustment period, I have been feeling more alert and clear.   I told her I feel as if I’m waking up from some semi-conscious state.  “As if I’ve really been a walking zombie all this time”, I told her. And she nodded in a way that told me she has heard all of this before from other patients.  For a couple years now I’ve been living without motivation of any kind.  My only motivation or mission had been to try to get to a state where I could get motivation.

Now I feel as if something within me is waking up and stirring around.  Whatever it is, it’s fragile.  It’s so easy for me to start with the negative self-talk.  But I keep shooting it down.  It’s better if I don’t think at all and just relish in this feeling of alertness.  I’m so scared I’m going to lose it that I’m leery of writing it in here.  I still have issues thinking straight and remembering things from one moment to another.  I keep forgetting what I was doing at work and words keep escaping me so I can’t express myself the way I intend to.  For the longest time, I called this the ‘brain fog’.  I believed I could have Candidiasis because of my tinnea issue on my feet and the brain fog everyone with Candidiasis complains of.  But I lacked so many of the things they said they had to deal with.

But I digress……   feeling like I have the right diagnosis has given me such a boost of hope.  Maybe that’s part of what I have stirring around in there.  Hope and an urge to change what hasn’t changed in a long long time.  Both personal and not.