I was asked today why I looked sad. The correct answer is that I was concentrating on something very intently at that moment. Maybe I look too serious when I’m concentrating and it can be mistaken for sadness, who knows. But “you look so serious” has followed me since I was a kid. My default expression has always been like that. I can’t help it.
But that question got me thinking.. was I more morose today than normal? Is there something eating at me that I’m not aware of? The correct answer is no and no. My life took a turn the day my drug doctor told me I have ADHD. I’m sure people are tired of hearing about this by now, but I’m not tired of talking about it …yet. Literally I feel like I have a new life to live now. One where I understand myself far better than I ever had before. Immediately following the visit with the doctor, I was happy – very happy. I knew that I had found what I needed – a reason and a method for changing certain things about myself I had been struggling with too long. Namely the procrastination, the lack of motivation, the beating myself up at every turn, the problems socializing and relating to others. I think now that I don’t have to blame myself for those things, I can finally put the bad feelings aside and do what’s necessary to get out of the rut. But all these feelings and thoughts are useless to me unless I put them into action. And last night I decided it was time.
My biggest handicap has always been my relentless quest towards organizational bliss. I want to get organized. I want my daily life to be seemless and easy. I want to know where everything is, and I want to know what comes next – all the time. Perfectionism at its worst. Crippling. So I decided to start small and push the rest out of my head. And pushing things out of my head has become so much easier to me these days. Maybe it’s the meds, who knows.
So I made a list with 4 things on it. Four to-dos for cleaning the bathroom Then at 2am, after much delay, I got my ass up and completed them. It was an exercise in self-regulation, and it hurt. It was so hard for me to follow my own list; to put one foot ahead of the other and do it. This is where Dr. Pychyl‘s voice pops into my head saying things like “The road to success is lined with perspiration, not inspiration” and “Just get started” and “don’t give in to feeling good”. So I completed those things on my list and made another short list for work. Doing IDS cases comes easy. You don’t have to think. Not much self regulation required there. So I made a list for things that I have become bad at. Keeping up with my email, reading the blog, checking the pulse of my projects.
I got to work and made myself follow those 4 tiny todo’s. It wasn’t hard at all. I felt motivated. The previous night’s success had shown me that altho the process can be painful, I could still control myself and do what I didn’t want to do – just because I say so! This felt good. But there was a pull in the opposite direction today that I was very aware of (hence the no and no answer, to not being aware of it). My old procrastination had manifested itself in a failure – one project dashed. Not having been able to complete it was the failure. Then I had to write down how many hours I spend on certain things. There were things on a list and I looked at them. I am not part of any of them. None. That also felt like a failure. The important thing to note here, tho, is that I didn’t think of myself as the failure. Instead, the behavior and what they led up to are the failure. That was the pull in the other direction. I had to keep putting the failures out of my head, tho. And that was hard because of the number of times I found myself having to do it while I had no do it.. Bad feelings begets nothing good.
I’m not defeated. I’m still moving forward. I will deal with negativity all my life. Everyone does. My own negativity towards myself had always been the biggest threat. Externalizing the failure and knowing the reason for my behavior is the success. Ooh-rah!
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