Digsite

Oh boy. So I knew that LivePress had been broken for a long time; works for some, doesn’t work for others. Not exactly consistent.   I get thank you’s as well as fuck you’s for my work on this plugin (well not really fu’s but…).   I believe it broke sometime around the 2.8 release of WordPress but I can’t be sure.  I was getting tired of the complaints (and the manufactured fu’s in my head), so  I decided to start working on it last night.   The goal was to find out why it was failing.  I’m trying to stop thinking in grandiose terms and then ending up not doing anything. ( Like wanting to rewrite the entire plugin from scratch and then abandoning it for a year.)

Anyway, at first I thought IXR-class.php was the problem because it had caused issues in the past, and while trying an older version of this file the plugin started working for about 3.2 seconds.  But then I couldn’t make it work again no matter what version of the file I tried.  I was beginning to think I had been hallucinating.  But no matter;  I decided to abandon that lead, follow another and finally tracked it to the simplest thing ever.

The plugin was connecting to livejournal’s xmlrpc interface but not getting the response it was expecting – which is 200 OK.  After that point, it would go kaput.  That explains how it was breaking but what unexpected response was it getting, and why?  I tried to connect manually from my VPS account and the answer slapped me in the face like a wet fish:

digsite: > telnet livejournal.com 80
Trying 208.93.0.128…
Connected to livejournal.com.
Escape character is ‘^]’.
POST /interface/xmlrpc HTTP/1.0

HTTP/1.0 403 Denied
Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2010 10:13:13 GMT
Server: Apache
Set-Cookie: ljuniq=FZwSUdeXCkSXkh1:1267956793:pgstats0:m0; expires=Thursday, 06-May-2010 10:13:13 GMT; domain=.livejournal.com; path=/
Connection: close
Content-Type: text/html

<h1>Access Forbidden</h1>You’ve been temporarily banned from accessing LiveJournal, perhaps because you were hitting the site too quickly. Please make sure that you’re following our <a href=’http://www.livejournal.com/bots/’>Bot Policy</a>. If you have questions, contact us at webmaster&#064;livejournal.com with the following information: FdeXCkZwSUSXkh1 @ —.—.—.—Connection closed by foreign host.
digsite@littledeath: >

Yep, banned.   I knew the code connected to LJ far more often than it needed to, but I wasn’t sure why and figured since it was still working that I could ignore that fact for a while – that was a couple years ago.  The code wasn’t my creation, afterall.  I sortof adopted it and all its clunkinesses.

The limit is 5 connections per second.  The site get scrawled by search engine bots all the time and with the plugin connecting to LJ with every single insignificant page load, I can see that exceding the limit 100-fold.  I have already edited the code and it connects only when it absolutely needs to – like during a post or edit.  I asked LJ to remove the ban on my IP early, explaining the situation.  Now I wait to see if my own site gets un-banned by LJ in the near future so that I can verify it is fixed. Fingers crossed.

This message is primarily for digsite.net feed subscribers.

I’ve been using feedburner for years, but after my most recent K2 theme update (which was not all that recent) the feed url function call in the header changed back to the built in wordpress version.

If you’re subscribed to http://digsite.net/feed/[rss|rss2|atom] , please update it or re-subscribe to the feedburner feed.   You can just point most clients to http://digsite.net and just let it pick up the atom feed on its own.  Otherwise, subscribe directly  to http://feeds.feedburner.com/digsite.   Feedburner is using my blog’s atom feed (which supports PuSH), not rss or rss2, btw.

If you notice anything broken with my feed, please let me know!  At least from this end it all looks peachy.

My awesome as hell iPhone app find of the week – stolen from someone else, of course.

iPhone Emoticons; available since 3.0 release but unlocked only on Japanese iphones. Find out how to unlock it. Jail-breaking not necessary.

1. Go to App Store
2. Search for “emoji”
3. Download “Emoji Free!”
4. Run it.
5. Go to Settings -> General -> Keyboard -> International Keyboards -> Japanese
6. Turn on “Emoji”
7. Exit

The emoji option won’t be visible until after the app is run.

8. delete the “Emoji Free” app. It’s done its job.

This will work with any other iphone (unlocked emoji or not), but doesn’t seem to work with other non-iphone phones in general.

I think this is the last of the “Exploring ADHD” series I ended up doing here.  I didn’t intend for it to become a ‘series’ but I had too much to think about, so it took several posts.  I think I’ve made enough sense of this stuff to be satisfied for now.  The big black obelisk in my head has morphed into an organized row of labeled boxes (or drives, har).  Each box now needs to get organized further one by one.  So basically the big obelisk has been divided into smaller, more manageable obelisks-ettes in boxes.  There is still a mass of debris lurking in the shadows, however.  I think that’s probably biochemical fog. (Every once in a while I look up from the keyboard and think; “Wow, that’s a weird way of describing it”  But that’s literally how I see it in my mind’s eye.)  So, moving on with the rest of my musings….

So far I’ve listened to an audiobook (my first), watched countless researchers’ presentations on their findings (there’s a lot out there), and read articles up the wazoo on this subject.  But the place where I’ve found the most intriguing information is a message board filled to the brim with people who have ADHD – or as they call themselves, “Adders”.  One person will post some crack-smoking lunacy about themselves and describe it in detail and ask “Does anyone else have this problem?”  or   “Am I the only one?”.    And then the flock of Adders will swoop down on the thread to agree;  “Yes me too!”  or  “Thank you for posting this! I had no idea anyone else had this problem!”, and so on.

I found two such threads that really hit home with me.  These touched on things that I never bothered trying to share with anyone because #1, there would be no benefit to doing so and #2, people generally don’t give a shit anyway.

ADHD and Hypersensitivities

First, a definition.  Hypersensitivity:  Excessive sensitivity to sensations or stimuli.

After a thread erupted on the topic of hypersensitivities, someone posted the above link to an article.  I read it and it is almost as if they’re talking about me.  But let me personalize it a little..  here’s a short list of things that generate the kind of sensory input I equate to fingernails against a chalk board (no exaggeration).

Straight out of the article; spot on for me..

- Walking on a sticky floor
- Florescent lights (any light in my face,actually.)
- Light touch to my skin (bleaaarrgghh!)
- Tags in my shirts (I’ve had many shirts with holes where the tag used to be because I tore them out by force)
- Getting caught in the rain (I’ve learned to cope, but it’s a nasty, sticky, dirty feeling)

But wait, there’s more!

- The sound of my kids running around the house and then launching themselves and belly flopping onto the couches
- Any repetitive sounds like foot banging under the kitchen table.
- Loud TV
- Yelling (unless it’s my own voice).
- Any offensive odors in the house.
- Deliberately being touched on my arm, back, knee or thighs.

Some days my tolerance is better than others. But I generally just can’t stand this stuff.

The above vices have been with me for as long as I can remember. The one that has been with me the longest I think is being touched. If you let it linger, it makes me want to give you the finger. This doesn’t apply to kids or husband tho.    And now in old age, the touch doesn’t bother me as much if it’s brief.  If it isn’t brief, I can “deal with it”.   I will rather be uncomfortable for a moment, than risk someone else’s feelings.

Echolalia

Now this second one probably has nothing at all to do with ADHD.  At least, I’ve never read it in any official publication and I can’t think of a way that it could be connected to ADHD.  But when you see 50 people on a message board say they all do it too, you gotta wonder.  Obviously I’m mentioning it because I do it too.

What many peeps with ADHD claim to do is repeat what they’ve just heard. I don’t think I do this when I’m around other people, I HOPE!, but I’ve done this since I was a kid. If I hear something on TV or on the radio that I find interesting (the words and intonations, not so much the meaning) then I’ll repeat it many times. I’ll do it until I’m satisfied I’ve assimilated it.  Repeating something as a way of mocking it doesn’t count.   Some other folks admit to repeating what they’ve just said under their breath – like an echo.  That, I don’t do.

Other blog topics that I could have written about myself:

- trouble making friends since childhood.
- trouble keeping friends since childhood.
- getting bored easily of pretty much everything.
- always looking for something new and different to occupy my interests.

The fact that I’m not the only one that does this stuff feels great to me. It’s like finally finding other members of your alien race and knowing that it’s OK to be different or weird.  Same goes with my problems focusing, just not getting things completed no matter my best intentions, getting obsessed with new things every other week and running with it like some raging obsessive compulsive headcase, and then finally dropping it like a steaming lump of shit, never to look back again.

I’m not a fan of labels, especially since my daughter has a problem that affects her behavior and already gave her a reputation in school.  I feel very protective of her and I don’t want her to be labeled as the “ADD child” if it’s going to put her down and aggravate the problem, but when the label lets you know you’re not alone it feels wonderful to have the label assigned.  At her age, my daughter can’t appreciate it – she doesn’t even notice she has a problem – but I’ve told her she’s got a “race car” brain and needs to eat her veggies and take her vitamins to help it put on the breaks better.   I’ve gotten her to eat tomato and lettuce using this tactic. Next I’ll be trying a daily Omega-3 supplement that tastes like ass.  Wish me luck.

So am I convinced now that this label fits me?  Let’s see…   I’ve read in more than one publication that to diagnose ADHD, it’s best to speak to those close to the person who know them.  Apparently the person with the ADHD is the least reliable to notice their own behaviors.

I told three people at work about what my doctor said – face to face, not via-blog.  Here were their responses.

1. Person #1 said “I think so too” when I told her “my doctor thinks I have ADHD”.
2. Person #2 proceeded to tell me of his own struggles with it and mentioned he stared out of windows as a kid and wasn’t able to learn while in class, etc. Just like me!
3. Person #3 said “Yea, I see it.”     ” …it’s hard for you to focus on anything for long, and you runaway with things too.. like that time 2 years ago when you wouldn’t stop working – even from home – even at 4 am.”

I still want to hear everything the doctor can tell me, but yes, I think I believe it.  And if she changes her mind and retracts her diagnosis, I would be understandably disappointed because the removal of the label doesn’t mean there’s a removal of the problems.  And without a “label”  I can’t reliably look up proven ways to improve the situation with my name on them.

Welcome to the next installment of ..   <insert echo effect here> “Exploring ADHD!” <remove echo effect> I actually wrote this last week, but I kept putting off the hitting of the publish button.

First I need to vent just a little about something I’ve been noticing a lot after having gotten this diagnosis.   And it’s that it seems like EVERYBODY AROUND ME HAS ADHD!!    This makes me wonder if ADHD is over diagnosed, or if ADHD is a true epidemic.  Which is it?

I already knew at least 3 other people in the building besides myself who suffered from things like depression.  But now I have discovered 3 more people in the building who have ADHD.    So I think one of two things is happening in the building.   Either ADHD is over diagnosed (and I don’t believe these three people have been misdiagnosed at all), or smart people with similar flaws will just gather near large clusters of computer hardware as if guided by some supernatural force.  I’m only half-kidding about that last one.     A handful of family members also seem to be coming out of the woodwork.  You could say that this is all OK because misery loves company but that statement would imply that I’m experiencing misery.  Oddly, I’m experiencing quite the opposite.   Even for someone who’s not convinced.

But..  back to my reason to blog.  Which is to make reason out of the ailment of the season. If you don’t care about it, you’ll be charged with high treason.   Let’s suck out that brain fog bison with a dyson.  And put our dukes up and fight it like Tyson.  Don’t forget to drink your green tea hyson.   Sigh…

First of all, ADHD is a neuro-behavioral disorder with which you’re either born with a propensity to develop later, or you’re just born with.  There is no such thing as adult onset of ADHD.   At first this little fact was a big red flag for me because nobody ever mentioned ADHD to me as a kid, or afaik, to my parents.  But the more I thought of it and read up on what ADHD really is and what it isn’t, the more I started to see a connection.  I spent a large chunk of my time at school daydreaming and staring out the windows.  As I search my memories tho, I remember some evidence of truly disruptive and impulsive behavior as well. The timeline isn’t very clear to me, but if I had to guess, it would be something like this:

Nursery school & preschool (I remember both) :  super shy, was horrible talkign to other human children.

K: can’t remember much except for being acused by a girl named Daisy that I had pulled her hair one day.  No, I didn’t, thankyouverymuch!

1, 2: usually zombie, hard to pay attention.
3,4: still shy, but could be a bit disruptive at times.
5,6,7,8 more zombie but with one or two friends this time. Miami Vice kept the blood flowing towards the tail end.

Impulsivity

I will never forget what I did in 2nd grade for which I was punished by being put back in a 1st grade class for a week. I opened my teacher’s can of juice in the back of the class, where we kept all our lunches, and laid it on its side.  The liquid ran out and slowly made its way to the front of the class where the teacher discovered it and got royally pissed off.

Things like this were very rare, however.  I never jumped out of my chair, never hit the other kids, and never got into fights.  But impulsiveness looks different from kid to kid.  I think my impulsivity issue may have been with my mouth instead. There were times I just wouldn’t shut up. I even chanted something offensive about one of our teachers while we were in line on our way up to class. Nobody ever said anything to me about that. Were they too used to it? I can’t remember. In 3rd grade I got in trouble for mocking my teacher in the auditorium right in front her and the rest of the class.  Another time, I told a classmate that she was a “fucken! asshole!” during recess while we were standing right next to a teacher and a nun (it was catholic school). I thought this stuff was funny, tho. But that humor only lasted until I was reprimanded for it. As the years passed, I got better at shutting up.. I think.  (my coworkers today might want to challenge that, tho).

Inattentiveness

If I had to pick a period in my life that would best illustrate what happens when you lose interest easily and have little drive, it would have to be my years at University.   If I was interested enough in the subject matter, then I could pay attention intently, take notes,  and learn while *inside* the classroom.  This was rare for me.  My attention span was questionable, but one class I do remember succeeding at was an optional World Religions course that I LOVED.  I was excited to the Nth degree about this class and even recorded every one of the lectures so I could compare it with my notes from home and fill in anything I may have missed.  And I did it with pleasure. I’ve always been able to succeed in things I am incredibly interested in. This must be how I grew up with the notion that “I can do anything that I want to do. And do it well.” I explained to a therapist a while back that I didn’t know where that self-confidence went. How and why did I lose it? The truth is I never did lose it. It’s still there, but what I didn’t realize before is that it comes with a condition; only if I’m interested enough.

Back in school, more often than not lessons were not learned until I got home and read the chapters on my own.  If something was boring, my mind would keep wandering and a 5 page read could easily take me 2 hours.  It was hard to keep focus unless I was under extreme pressure.  Ie, if I had an exam the next day,  I’d put on a huge pot of coffee, pop the Nodoz, and cram all night long.  It was usually just enough studying to get me a passing grade.   Had my dad threatened to cut me off if I didn’t finish school quickly, I may have finished sooner, or dropped out.

After about the 2 year mark, I started registering for classes and dropping them because I knew I couldn’t pass them if they didn’t interest me or were to boring.  I took Statistics for Computer Science 3 times with the SAME boring teacher (because there was no other) before I finally knew I had to pass or I wouldn’t graduate.  I took Calculus II twice.  This class didn’t interest me the first time and I failed.  The second time with new teacher, I loved it and passed with an A.   At the 4 yr mark I started working 35-40 hours a week and became a part time student.  I also took a couple semesters off when my oldest brother became sick with brain cancer.  A 4 year program took me 8 years to complete.  This little fact used to embarass me.  But for some reason now it doesn’t.  :’-)

If I have ADHD, at least then I can tell myself that it didn’t happen because I was stupid, slow, or lazy.

Since Friday of last week, I have been reading, listening to and watching every single thing on ADHD I can lay my hands on.  I’ve had a burning need to know EVERYTHING. I’m just not completely convinced that I have this disorder.  If I do have ADHD tho, then how could I have not known?!  Why would no other doctor pick up on it?!   On Friday, I set out to find the answers to two main questions:

- Do my current behaviours and problems really mesh up with this diagnosis?
- Have I had these problems long enough to qualify for this diagnosis?

Although I don’t fully have faith in them, I completed a handful of online Adult ADHD screening tests and each time I scored very high.

Ie,
I scored 90 @ http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm
I scored 26 @ http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/adultaddquiz.htm

The questions are either the same or similar on other sites so there’s little point in doing more. Not surprisingly, these questions are similar to the ones on my drug doctor’s questionnaires.

Making Sense of the Acronyms:

The newest, official term for the disorder is AD/HD.

AD/HD: “Attention Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder”. (no duh)
“AD/HD is a diagnosis applied to children and adults who consistently display certain characteristic behaviors over a period of time. The most common core features include:

* distractibility
* impulsivity
* hyperactivity

In order to meet diagnostic criteria, these behaviors must be excessive, long-term, and pervasive.” (stolen from add.org)

In children, the behaviors must be present for 6 or more months. In adults, the behaviors must have been present since childhood.

The following is only my theory… but  I think that AD/HD has been divided with a forward slash to illustrate that the disorder has two main subtypes: Attention Deficit, and Hyperactivity.  The third subtype, called ‘Combined’, combines the symptoms for the first two subtypes.    I’m pretty sure I heard this on a conference vid, but I can’t find it now to check so I won’t say this is definitive reason for the ‘/’.

ADHD: Same as above. This is the term most frequently found in literature today. I think I’ll stick with this one.

ADD: Usually it means the same as above. Some people may use this term to imply a form ADHD that doesn’t have ‘H’yperactivity associated with it. Technically, the correct term to label a kind of adhd like that would be ADHD-I. I stands for the “Inattentive”, a subtype ADHD. People with this subtype of ADHD don’t exhibit hyperactivity.

The Three Subtypes of ADHD:

ADHD- Inattentive type

• Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes.
• Has difficulty sustaining attention.
• Does not appear to listen.
• Struggles to follow through on instructions.
• Has difficulty with organization.
• Avoids or dislikes tasks requiring sustained mental effort.
• Loses things.
• Is easily distracted.
• Is forgetful in daily activities.

ADHD- Hyperactive/Impulsive type

• Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in chair.
• Has difficulty remaining seated.
• Runs about or climbs excessively.
• Difficulty engaging in activities quietly.
• Acts as if driven by a motor.
• Talks excessively.
• Blurts out answers before questions have been completed.
• Difficulty waiting or taking turns.
• Interrupts or intrudes upon others.

ADHD- Combined type

• Individual meets both sets of inattention and hyperactive/impulsive criteria.

(the above subtype bullets plagiarized from help4adhd.org)

There is yet fourth, but unofficial, subtype below the Inattentive subtype called SCT or Sluggish Cognitive Type. The American Psychiatric Association may include it in their next their next publication of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2012, making it an official subtype of ADHD-I. Some researchers argue that SCT should be made a separate disorder altogether because the criteria for it is completely the opposite from classic ADHD. These kids/adults will lack the necessary energy to do anything, they are shy, introverted, have little drive or motivation, move slowly both mentally and physically, process information more slowly, daydream a lot and to stare off into space.  To me this sounds like ADHD-I with comorbid Depression.  (Can you tell I’ve read a lot of this shit lately?  Maybe too much?!)

And that was me for a lot of my childhood.  Daydreamer, tuned out of my present surrounding completely, slow, etc.  But I remember being depressed as well.  Crying for no reason on the way to school, feeling unimportant, etc. The issue with me, tho, is that I also remember times when I was very disruptive, overly talkative, and said things to other kids that were downright offensive. I did a handful of stupid things out of impulse.  I’ll be more verbose about those tomorrow

So how convinced am I that I have ADHD now? Um… god… I just can’t get passed the thinking that this is a childhood disorder.  That’s not true and logically I know better, but I can’t help thinking that way. I’ll keep digging and see what I come up with.