Digsite

I think this is the last of the “Exploring ADHD” series I ended up doing here.  I didn’t intend for it to become a ’series’ but I had too much to think about, so it took several posts.  I think I’ve made enough sense of this stuff to be satisfied for now.  The big black obelisk in my head has morphed into an organized row of labeled boxes (or drives, har).  Each box now needs to get organized further one by one.  So basically the big obelisk has been divided into smaller, more manageable obelisks-ettes in boxes.  There is still a mass of debris lurking in the shadows, however.  I think that’s probably biochemical fog. (Every once in a while I look up from the keyboard and think; “Wow, that’s a weird way of describing it”  But that’s literally how I see it in my mind’s eye.)  So, moving on with the rest of my musings….

So far I’ve listened to an audiobook (my first), watched countless researchers’ presentations on their findings (there’s a lot out there), and read articles up the wazoo on this subject.  But the place where I’ve found the most intriguing information is a message board filled to the brim with people who have ADHD – or as they call themselves, “Adders”.  One person will post some crack-smoking lunacy about themselves and describe it in detail and ask “Does anyone else have this problem?”  or   “Am I the only one?”.    And then the flock of Adders will swoop down on the thread to agree;  “Yes me too!”  or  “Thank you for posting this! I had no idea anyone else had this problem!”, and so on.

I found two such threads that really hit home with me.  These touched on things that I never bothered trying to share with anyone because #1, there would be no benefit to doing so and #2, people generally don’t give a shit anyway.

ADHD and Hypersensitivities

First, a definition.  Hypersensitivity:  Excessive sensitivity to sensations or stimuli.

After a thread erupted on the topic of hypersensitivities, someone posted the above link to an article.  I read it and it is almost as if they’re talking about me.  But let me personalize it a little..  here’s a short list of things that generate the kind of sensory input I equate to fingernails against a chalk board (no exaggeration).

Straight out of the article; spot on for me..

- Walking on a sticky floor
- Florescent lights (any light in my face,actually.)
- Light touch to my skin (bleaaarrgghh!)
- Tags in my shirts (I’ve had many shirts with holes where the tag used to be because I tore them out by force)
- Getting caught in the rain (I’ve learned to cope, but it’s a nasty, sticky, dirty feeling)

But wait, there’s more!

- The sound of my kids running around the house and then launching themselves and belly flopping onto the couches
- Any repetitive sounds like foot banging under the kitchen table.
- Loud TV
- Yelling (unless it’s my own voice).
- Any offensive odors in the house.
- Deliberately being touched on my arm, back, knee or thighs.

Some days my tolerance is better than others. But I generally just can’t stand this stuff.

The above vices have been with me for as long as I can remember. The one that has been with me the longest I think is being touched. If you let it linger, it makes me want to give you the finger. This doesn’t apply to kids or husband tho.    And now in old age, the touch doesn’t bother me as much if it’s brief.  If it isn’t brief, I can “deal with it”.   I will rather be uncomfortable for a moment, than risk someone else’s feelings.

Echolalia

Now this second one probably has nothing at all to do with ADHD.  At least, I’ve never read it in any official publication and I can’t think of a way that it could be connected to ADHD.  But when you see 50 people on a message board say they all do it too, you gotta wonder.  Obviously I’m mentioning it because I do it too.

What many peeps with ADHD claim to do is repeat what they’ve just heard. I don’t think I do this when I’m around other people, I HOPE!, but I’ve done this since I was a kid. If I hear something on TV or on the radio that I find interesting (the words and intonations, not so much the meaning) then I’ll repeat it many times. I’ll do it until I’m satisfied I’ve assimilated it.  Repeating something as a way of mocking it doesn’t count.   Some other folks admit to repeating what they’ve just said under their breath – like an echo.  That, I don’t do.

Other blog topics that I could have written about myself:

- trouble making friends since childhood.
- trouble keeping friends since childhood.
- getting bored easily of pretty much everything.
- always looking for something new and different to occupy my interests.

The fact that I’m not the only one that does this stuff feels great to me. It’s like finally finding other members of your alien race and knowing that it’s OK to be different or weird.  Same goes with my problems focusing, just not getting things completed no matter my best intentions, getting obsessed with new things every other week and running with it like some raging obsessive compulsive headcase, and then finally dropping it like a steaming lump of shit, never to look back again.

I’m not a fan of labels, especially since my daughter has a problem that affects her behavior and already gave her a reputation in school.  I feel very protective of her and I don’t want her to be labeled as the “ADD child” if it’s going to put her down and aggravate the problem, but when the label lets you know you’re not alone it feels wonderful to have the label assigned.  At her age, my daughter can’t appreciate it – she doesn’t even notice she has a problem – but I’ve told her she’s got a “race car” brain and needs to eat her veggies and take her vitamins to help it put on the breaks better.   I’ve gotten her to eat tomato and lettuce using this tactic. Next I’ll be trying a daily Omega-3 supplement that tastes like ass.  Wish me luck.

So am I convinced now that this label fits me?  Let’s see…   I’ve read in more than one publication that to diagnose ADHD, it’s best to speak to those close to the person who know them.  Apparently the person with the ADHD is the least reliable to notice their own behaviors.

I told three people at work about what my doctor said – face to face, not via-blog.  Here were their responses.

1. Person #1 said “I think so too” when I told her “my doctor thinks I have ADHD”.
2. Person #2 proceeded to tell me of his own struggles with it and mentioned he stared out of windows as a kid and wasn’t able to learn while in class, etc. Just like me!
3. Person #3 said “Yea, I see it.”     ” …it’s hard for you to focus on anything for long, and you runaway with things too.. like that time 2 years ago when you wouldn’t stop working – even from home – even at 4 am.”

I still want to hear everything the doctor can tell me, but yes, I think I believe it.  And if she changes her mind and retracts her diagnosis, I would be understandably disappointed because the removal of the label doesn’t mean there’s a removal of the problems.  And without a “label”  I can’t reliably look up proven ways to improve the situation with my name on them.

Welcome to the next installment of ..   <insert echo effect here> “Exploring ADHD!” <remove echo effect> I actually wrote this last week, but I kept putting off the hitting of the publish button.

First I need to vent just a little about something I’ve been noticing a lot after having gotten this diagnosis.   And it’s that it seems like EVERYBODY AROUND ME HAS ADHD!!    This makes me wonder if ADHD is over diagnosed, or if ADHD is a true epidemic.  Which is it?

I already knew at least 3 other people in the building besides myself who suffered from things like depression.  But now I have discovered 3 more people in the building who have ADHD.    So I think one of two things is happening in the building.   Either ADHD is over diagnosed (and I don’t believe these three people have been misdiagnosed at all), or smart people with similar flaws will just gather near large clusters of computer hardware as if guided by some supernatural force.  I’m only half-kidding about that last one.     A handful of family members also seem to be coming out of the woodwork.  You could say that this is all OK because misery loves company but that statement would imply that I’m experiencing misery.  Oddly, I’m experiencing quite the opposite.   Even for someone who’s not convinced.

But..  back to my reason to blog.  Which is to make reason out of the ailment of the season. If you don’t care about it, you’ll be charged with high treason.   Let’s suck out that brain fog bison with a dyson.  And put our dukes up and fight it like Tyson.  Don’t forget to drink your green tea hyson.   Sigh…

First of all, ADHD is a neuro-behavioral disorder with which you’re either born with a propensity to develop later, or you’re just born with.  There is no such thing as adult onset of ADHD.   At first this little fact was a big red flag for me because nobody ever mentioned ADHD to me as a kid, or afaik, to my parents.  But the more I thought of it and read up on what ADHD really is and what it isn’t, the more I started to see a connection.  I spent a large chunk of my time at school daydreaming and staring out the windows.  As I search my memories tho, I remember some evidence of truly disruptive and impulsive behavior as well. The timeline isn’t very clear to me, but if I had to guess, it would be something like this:

Nursery school & preschool (I remember both) :  super shy, was horrible talkign to other human children.

K: can’t remember much except for being acused by a girl named Daisy that I had pulled her hair one day.  No, I didn’t, thankyouverymuch!

1, 2: usually zombie, hard to pay attention.
3,4: still shy, but could be a bit disruptive at times.
5,6,7,8 more zombie but with one or two friends this time. Miami Vice kept the blood flowing towards the tail end.

Impulsivity

I will never forget what I did in 2nd grade for which I was punished by being put back in a 1st grade class for a week. I opened my teacher’s can of juice in the back of the class, where we kept all our lunches, and laid it on its side.  The liquid ran out and slowly made its way to the front of the class where the teacher discovered it and got royally pissed off.

Things like this were very rare, however.  I never jumped out of my chair, never hit the other kids, and never got into fights.  But impulsiveness looks different from kid to kid.  I think my impulsivity issue may have been with my mouth instead. There were times I just wouldn’t shut up. I even chanted something offensive about one of our teachers while we were in line on our way up to class. Nobody ever said anything to me about that. Were they too used to it? I can’t remember. In 3rd grade I got in trouble for mocking my teacher in the auditorium right in front her and the rest of the class.  Another time, I told a classmate that she was a “fucken! asshole!” during recess while we were standing right next to a teacher and a nun (it was catholic school). I thought this stuff was funny, tho. But that humor only lasted until I was reprimanded for it. As the years passed, I got better at shutting up.. I think.  (my coworkers today might want to challenge that, tho).

Inattentiveness

If I had to pick a period in my life that would best illustrate what happens when you lose interest easily and have little drive, it would have to be my years at University.   If I was interested enough in the subject matter, then I could pay attention intently, take notes,  and learn while *inside* the classroom.  This was rare for me.  My attention span was questionable, but one class I do remember succeeding at was an optional World Religions course that I LOVED.  I was excited to the Nth degree about this class and even recorded every one of the lectures so I could compare it with my notes from home and fill in anything I may have missed.  And I did it with pleasure. I’ve always been able to succeed in things I am incredibly interested in. This must be how I grew up with the notion that “I can do anything that I want to do. And do it well.” I explained to a therapist a while back that I didn’t know where that self-confidence went. How and why did I lose it? The truth is I never did lose it. It’s still there, but what I didn’t realize before is that it comes with a condition; only if I’m interested enough.

Back in school, more often than not lessons were not learned until I got home and read the chapters on my own.  If something was boring, my mind would keep wandering and a 5 page read could easily take me 2 hours.  It was hard to keep focus unless I was under extreme pressure.  Ie, if I had an exam the next day,  I’d put on a huge pot of coffee, pop the Nodoz, and cram all night long.  It was usually just enough studying to get me a passing grade.   Had my dad threatened to cut me off if I didn’t finish school quickly, I may have finished sooner, or dropped out.

After about the 2 year mark, I started registering for classes and dropping them because I knew I couldn’t pass them if they didn’t interest me or were to boring.  I took Statistics for Computer Science 3 times with the SAME boring teacher (because there was no other) before I finally knew I had to pass or I wouldn’t graduate.  I took Calculus II twice.  This class didn’t interest me the first time and I failed.  The second time with new teacher, I loved it and passed with an A.   At the 4 yr mark I started working 35-40 hours a week and became a part time student.  I also took a couple semesters off when my oldest brother became sick with brain cancer.  A 4 year program took me 8 years to complete.  This little fact used to embarass me.  But for some reason now it doesn’t.  :’-)

If I have ADHD, at least then I can tell myself that it didn’t happen because I was stupid, slow, or lazy.

Since Friday of last week, I have been reading, listening to and watching every single thing on ADHD I can lay my hands on.  I’ve had a burning need to know EVERYTHING. I’m just not completely convinced that I have this disorder.  If I do have ADHD tho, then how could I have not known?!  Why would no other doctor pick up on it?!   On Friday, I set out to find the answers to two main questions:

- Do my current behaviours and problems really mesh up with this diagnosis?
- Have I had these problems long enough to qualify for this diagnosis?

Although I don’t fully have faith in them, I completed a handful of online Adult ADHD screening tests and each time I scored very high.

Ie,
I scored 90 @ http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm
I scored 26 @ http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/adultaddquiz.htm

The questions are either the same or similar on other sites so there’s little point in doing more. Not surprisingly, these questions are similar to the ones on my drug doctor’s questionnaires.

Making Sense of the Acronyms:

The newest, official term for the disorder is AD/HD.

AD/HD: “Attention Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder”. (no duh)
“AD/HD is a diagnosis applied to children and adults who consistently display certain characteristic behaviors over a period of time. The most common core features include:

* distractibility
* impulsivity
* hyperactivity

In order to meet diagnostic criteria, these behaviors must be excessive, long-term, and pervasive.” (stolen from add.org)

In children, the behaviors must be present for 6 or more months. In adults, the behaviors must have been present since childhood.

The following is only my theory… but  I think that AD/HD has been divided with a forward slash to illustrate that the disorder has two main subtypes: Attention Deficit, and Hyperactivity.  The third subtype, called ‘Combined’, combines the symptoms for the first two subtypes.    I’m pretty sure I heard this on a conference vid, but I can’t find it now to check so I won’t say this is definitive reason for the ‘/’.

ADHD: Same as above. This is the term most frequently found in literature today. I think I’ll stick with this one.

ADD: Usually it means the same as above. Some people may use this term to imply a form ADHD that doesn’t have ‘H’yperactivity associated with it. Technically, the correct term to label a kind of adhd like that would be ADHD-I. I stands for the “Inattentive”, a subtype ADHD. People with this subtype of ADHD don’t exhibit hyperactivity.

The Three Subtypes of ADHD:

ADHD- Inattentive type

• Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes.
• Has difficulty sustaining attention.
• Does not appear to listen.
• Struggles to follow through on instructions.
• Has difficulty with organization.
• Avoids or dislikes tasks requiring sustained mental effort.
• Loses things.
• Is easily distracted.
• Is forgetful in daily activities.

ADHD- Hyperactive/Impulsive type

• Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in chair.
• Has difficulty remaining seated.
• Runs about or climbs excessively.
• Difficulty engaging in activities quietly.
• Acts as if driven by a motor.
• Talks excessively.
• Blurts out answers before questions have been completed.
• Difficulty waiting or taking turns.
• Interrupts or intrudes upon others.

ADHD- Combined type

• Individual meets both sets of inattention and hyperactive/impulsive criteria.

(the above subtype bullets plagiarized from help4adhd.org)

There is yet fourth, but unofficial, subtype below the Inattentive subtype called SCT or Sluggish Cognitive Type. The American Psychiatric Association may include it in their next their next publication of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2012, making it an official subtype of ADHD-I. Some researchers argue that SCT should be made a separate disorder altogether because the criteria for it is completely the opposite from classic ADHD. These kids/adults will lack the necessary energy to do anything, they are shy, introverted, have little drive or motivation, move slowly both mentally and physically, process information more slowly, daydream a lot and to stare off into space.  To me this sounds like ADHD-I with comorbid Depression.  (Can you tell I’ve read a lot of this shit lately?  Maybe too much?!)

And that was me for a lot of my childhood.  Daydreamer, tuned out of my present surrounding completely, slow, etc.  But I remember being depressed as well.  Crying for no reason on the way to school, feeling unimportant, etc. The issue with me, tho, is that I also remember times when I was very disruptive, overly talkative, and said things to other kids that were downright offensive. I did a handful of stupid things out of impulse.  I’ll be more verbose about those tomorrow

So how convinced am I that I have ADHD now? Um… god… I just can’t get passed the thinking that this is a childhood disorder.  That’s not true and logically I know better, but I can’t help thinking that way. I’ll keep digging and see what I come up with.

I’ll be blogging a lot more in the next few days because I’m trying to process some new information which, if I don’t write it out, will continue to sit in my head like a giant black obelisk.   My mind is already occupied by a large tangle of dust and debris, so it goes without saying there is little room left for this giant black obelisk.

So where do I begin….

My new ‘drug doctor’ (aka psycho-pharmacologist) and I sat down to talk about a month ago for the first time.  She did the usual boring stuff… read my old chart, asked me a million questions, chatted with me for 2 hours, and then she said I’m still depressed and that there’s a chance I could have either bipolar disorder or ADD and she asked if I have a family history with either.  I answered as best I could.  The bipolar disorder didn’t make much sense to me because I know what the criteria are for that and I know I don’t match those.  The ADD was a shock, but possible, I thought.  But I challenged it anyway.  She then had me fill out a bunch of questionaires.  She looked them over while saying “Oh.. ” and “Hmmm..”.  Made me quite nervous for some reason.   They were questionaires for bipolar and ADD.  Which would I be ‘lucky’ enough to draw, right?   She then said it might be ADD, renewed my prescription for the same stuff I had been taking for depression, tells me to stop forgetting weekend doses.  That concluded the appointment and I left.

All I could think on the drive home was  “ADD, wow… this is what my kid has, not me.  Me?   Just ridiculous.  It would explain a few things… but ADD?”

A month passes and I don’t give it much more thought.  So I go back last week Friday for my next are-you-psycho-yet appointment.  I tell her I’ve been consistent with the meds this month but nothing has changed except for the absence of my usual weekend headaches.  Makes sense, no weekend withdrawal from lack of meds.  But I still can’t concentrate on anything, my memory is still shit, I’m lucky I remember my way to work every morning (I didn’t really say this but I’m adding this one here for flare), and my sleep pattern is still a shambles.  Then she blurts out “you know you have ADD, right?”   Huh?  I said she hadn’t told me definitively.  ‘Might’ was suddenly being replaced with a ‘Definitely’ and I wasn’t expecting it.  “Yes, you have ADD”, she repeated.  I said ok, highly skeptical of course.  Maybe she’s another quack.

She replaced my anti-depressants with a different type which she said should help with ADD as well, and asked me to come back in two weeks.  She never did explain WHY she thought I had ADD, I was too dazed to ask.  I’ll be asking that when I see her again in 10 days.  I need a personalized professional explanation from her.  But I can’t wait 14 days to find out what this means, the obelisk has already formed.  Between it and the meds change turning in my brain to mush while it adapted, even my dysfunction was becoming dysfunctional.

Ok so obelisk transformed into action last weekend, I’ve latched on to a new interest of the month and that’s to learn as much as I possibly can about ADD or ADHD or AD/HD.  And I know what the difference between those acronyms is now…  Obelisk will explain later.  I never did this much research when Jada was diagnosed because I think we just wanted to ignore it (at least I did) and see if she would outgrow it.  She won’t be put on meds anyway, no matter how much the doctors would like to, so what’s the point in researching it, I thought?  Structure, consistency, stay on top of her academics, positive reinforcement, give the teachers the runaround,  then hunker down and wait.  That had been my plan.

Even if I find that I don’t have ADD, I’ll come away with a better understanding that will benefit my daughter. I have already learned that the odds she will ‘outgrow’ it are very low.  Once you have it, you always have it.  If she does outgrow it, it possibly won’t be until her 30’s.  People with ADHD will either  learn to cope with it and succeed in spite of it, or they won’t.   If you can learn how to succeed, then it’s no longer considered a disorder, but a trait.

People with ADHD are at higher risk for car accidents, incarcerations, early pregnancies, dropping out of school, ending up in dead end jobs, substance abuse, becoming disconnected from family, developing depression.   So what I’ve learned already is that my original plan for dealing with Jada’s ADHD is wrong.   There is more we can do than just structure, positive reinforcement, etc, etc…   None of those things help with the ADHD itself.    There are medication-free options to explore but none of them include “hunkering down”.

And I say finally because I ended up upgrading this blog to 2.9.1 and then upgrading 9 plugins before I finally allowed myself to start a new post.

This week has been both good and bad for me. Two days ago I got really pissed off when I found out someone had said something about me that they had no business saying. It was complete ass talk. Idle lips… that sort of thing.   And when met with the question of whether my husband should have told me about it or not, by both himself and someone else, I felt confused. Of course he should have told me. He’s my husband. If anybody should have my back and look out for me, it should be my husband!

Thankfully I didn’t handle it as badly as I could have …been there done that. I was pissed, but I kept my cool enough to allow time to introduce a bit of reason. Some people are just so stupid, tho. Of all people to go saying bad things about you… a spouse? C’mon, now… WTF is wrong with people?!

But anyway, to change the subject to something completely unrelated…

I thought I was done obsessing about being organized but I can’t even fool myself. Maybe I’ll use this post as a way to think thru this. OK, so this is a bit of OCD talking, ok? If you don’t know what that’s like, then this whole thing will be puzzling to you. Here are the questions that go round and round in my head. “Thinking Rock? Things? Damn it, Trenotes has never gone away. Thinking Rock? Things? iphone app. Damn it, so confusing.” And it starts all over again and again. That’s my brain in a loop and the thoughts in my my head are always making confused left and right turns and hitting other thoughts until enough dirt is kicked up that all I can see is a dust bowl. I can’t see where I’m going. That’s the problem, really. I can’t see where I’m going. So my obsession with trying to GET organized is all about clearing my view and giving me a clue what direction I should go. I once drove somewhere with my dad while I had a migraine. My vision was impaired and I was a good 50% blind. Almost had an accident. That’s what thinking has been like for me. I’m basically running blind and I’m searching around on the ground for my seeing eye glass. Those three witches from Clash of the Titans comes to mind. Yep, that’s me.

When I use words like “see”, it’s a literal meaning.  I have to make a picture in my mind of what I should do next, and I can’t see it!  When I described the dust bowl, it’s literally a big fog I see in my mind’s eye and because of this I can’t take the next step.  I mentioned on FB how I’m a visual thinker (and many people are) so I literally have to SEE the path I’m taking with anything.  I’m talking specifically about work projects, house chores, what I want to do for my kids, car maintenance… just anything.   I have to see it or I can’t do it.  What a fucking disability that is.

I just thought of an exercise I could try.  Meditation while visualizing myself doing something to its completion.  Steps laid out in detail is the concept of GTD.  But maybe I never could put it in practice because I also need to visualize it beforehand instead of merely listing it on paper or some tool beforehand.   Man, what a thought.   The times I’ve cleaned house, that’s what I’ve done.  Hrm…  but when I did the garage, I didn’t visualize it, I just did it.  But still, I had a camera going the whole time and I was constantly thinking about the images being captured.  So maybe that compensated for my lack of foresight.   sigh….  My brain hurts.   Break time.

Nearly 6am and I’m still up. I took the last of the medication tonight (last night) so I’m sure I’ll sleep like a baby tomorrow night (err.. tonight). So the steroids are wiring me up and the codine winding me down. Funny that I keep falling asleep and them startling myself awake. But anyways..

I had been waiting for nearly a year for the next generation Quicken for mac to be released, but after waiting so long and finally being able to pre-order it, I realized that it would be too watered down and that I would be disappointed with it. I want all the bells and whistles of Quicken 2010 for windows even if I wouldn’t use all the features, so I got a copy of the windows version and am running it on fusion on my mac. It’s not bad. Not slow as I suspected it might be. Even on fusion. Fusion has turned out to be really good. My only complaint is if you leave outlook running in unity for too long, things will start to lock up on you. And I’m talking about days here. So no biggie. Outlook is a beast anyway.

What else have I got to ramble on about… I guess that’s it for the time being.