Tag Archive for 'Parenthood'

Spoke too soon

The stress level is high.

The meeting with J’s teacher revealed nothing we hadn’t heard before over the past 2 years.  At the daycare they said she “lives in her own world” and “won’t listen”.   At PreK she got in trouble for pushing some kid down the slide and said she “is too easily distracted” and “can’t concentrate”.   Today we were told more of the same.  That she’s easily distracted, can’t sit still, can’t focus on one thing long enough and spends most of her time alone.  And if that wasn’t bad enough, she’s hitting random kids over the head with her lunch box.

And then as if to drive in the point she gives me the hardest time at dinner ever.   What should have taken 20 minutes to eat took 45.   And in the end I gave up and threw the food in the sink.

She fidgets, does everything except for what i’m telling her which sounds like this “pick up the fork.  pick up the fork.   put food in your mouth.  chew.  chew!  CHEW!   HELOOOOO!..   YES IT’S ME TALKING HERE. CHEW!!!!”

She plays with the phone cable, the computer mouse, the paper.  Moves her hands and fingers ALLL OVER THE TABLE.  turns around.  stares into space.  fidgets.  It’s fucking impossibly annoying and I can’t take it.

Autism had been mentioned years ago when she couldn’t talk. Then ADHD, Hyperactivity, etc…   Whatever it is this girl has a problem and if we can’t figure out how to deal with it, I’m going to shoot myself in the head.  Then I’m going to stab myself, then when I’m good and dead, I’m going come back and bash my skull in with a baseball bat.

Jada Humour

Me:  “Jada, how would you like to go to the zoo today”

Jada: “The zoo?”

Me: “Yeah”

Jada:   looking generally dissatisfied and distressed.  “Oh.. alright”

Me: “You don’t want to go to the zoo!?”

Jada: “I guess I can go.. but I don’t wanna see any scary animals.”

Me: “What?”  I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

Jada:  “Like Tigers.. and Podimus”.

Me: “Podimus?” I look up and see she’s holding up a toy Hippo.

Jada: “Well, I guess it’s a Hippo”

Me: “Yes, hippopodimus”.

Jada: “Hip-podimus.   ….but I guess I can see the monkeys”

Me: “Yea, those are fun”

Jada: GASP! “And I can see the giraffes!!! Remember when we saw the giraffe!!!?  YAYYY!!!”

10 days.. and I’m not looking back

Today marks 10 days since my last semi-dose of Effexor XR. It is also 14 days since my last full dose of it as well.

How am I feeling? Good !!

I still have lingering effects of withdrawal but they are negligible. Some light dizziness when I stand up or cut corners. I’m still short tempered with the kids as well. This week will tell if that has gotten better. This weekend was not so bad, tho. We don’t go out much so if I didn’t lose it with the 4 of us indoors all weekend, then that’s a good sign I think.

I’m definitely able to focus better now. No doubt about it. I can pick one direction, and just go. Few things distract me. Except, of course, for the sounds of the girls banging, screaming, yelling, crying, whining and complaining. Those things would annoy me on any day, but my ability to cope with it was nearly non-existent when I stopped taking the meds. Also, a change in my own behaviour is in order with that. I ignore the kids a lot and I’m sure a lot their behavior is their way of getting my attention.

Everything I do between 4pm and 8pm affects my life incredibly. That’s my time with the kids, that’s my time keeping house, that’s my relationship building time, errand time, cooking time, bath time, homework time. The problem is, that I neglect all of it every day. I have an addiction to the computer and the internet and I choose that over everything else I mentioned …every day. This is one of the things that feeds my depression. It’s tough to change. Really tough. Really REALLY tough.

Withdrawal symptoms stabilizing slowly

Do I get to say that I’m 4 days sober? Or do Anti-depressants not count?

So how am I feeling this week?

At all times of the day or night I feel: tired, and dizzy.

During the day hours I feel: physically relaxed, foggy, slow (but steady)

During the night with my kids I feel: angry, short-tempered, annoyed.

After they’re in bed again I feel: relaxed, tired.

So my kids, especially Jada, is really not benefiting from this new easily irritated self. And I know it’s not just me. That girl just doesn’t know how to follow direction and obey the rules. Fucken kid. I swear I’m going to cause welts on her behind one day. I can just feel the self-restraint becoming more and more destabilized. She’s lucky I get to spread the rage around to the other kid too or she’d end up on time out from the moment I come home to her bedtime. She is just SOOO stubborn. In her mind she’s always right and always has to have the last word. But more about that at another time.

I had planned on taking meds tuesday night but I never did. So I think now I’ve gone the longest in over a year without medication. 4 days, 0 meds. 10 days, without a full dose.

I noticed on Tuesday that a vein had burst in my right eye. The first in my life. So now I have one of those unsightly pools of blood on the whites of my eye. I sure would like to know what exactly caused it.

Jada’s growing resemblance to her dad

Maya walks into the kitchen wearing Jada’s bag around her neck…

Jada: Gasp!! “Maya, that’s my bag!! Why you just take it! That’s MY bag. Give me my bag. Why you just take it?! Give me back my bag!!”

Me: (thinking it’s time Maya gets a bag of her own) “She’s just holding it so it doesn’t get lonely”.

Jada: “I can carry it by myself! I don’t need any help! She’s gonna take everything out!! I’m going to take my bag.”

You would imagine that during this entire verbal tirade, Jada would have been chasing Maya thru the house and trying to rip the bag from around her neck. No. She’s actually in front of the mac, clicking furiously to finish the next level of her Go, Diego, Go video game.

Her ass is gonna grow roots.

More Jada-ness

Earlier today, while getting J ready for preschool…

Me: “Ok Jada, so you’re not going to lick yourself during circle time, right?!”

(she likes to lick her hands and arms like a cat at school, this is a problem)

Jada: (taking too long to answer) “Uhh.. Uh, right.”

Me: “Are you supposed to lick at school?”

Jada: “No.”

Me: “Right. Rule number 1 is No Licking.”

Me: “What’s Rule Number 1?”

Jada: “Um.. no licking.”

Me: “Rule number two is what?”

Jada: “Sit still

Me: “Good. And rule number 3 is pay attention, OK?”

Jada: “Right.”

Me: “So those are the 3 rules, OK?”

Jada: “No mommy. There are 5 rules.”

Me: “No, mommy only has 3.”

Jada: “You forgot Have Fun.”

(Rule #5 is probably Lollipops for breakfast)